Thursday, 29 November 2012

Blackadder II - Episode 2 Head

Black Adder II, Episode 2



The Characters
                BLACKADDER    =  BA
                MELCHETT      =  M
                QUEENY        =  Q
                BALDRICK      =  B
                NURSEY        =  N
                PERCY         =  P
                LADY FARROW   =  LF
                MR. PLOPPY    =  MRP
                MRS. PLOPPY   =  MRSP

SCENE 1  (Home of Edmund Blackadder)
BA:     Right Baldrick, let's try again shall we? This is called adding. If I
        have two beans, and then I add two more beans, what do I have?
B:      Some beans.
BA:     Yes...and no. Let's try again shall we? I have two beans, then I add two
        more beans. What does that make?
B:      A very small casserole.
BA:     Baldrick, the ape creatures of the Indus have mastered this. Now try
        again. One, two, three, four. So how many are there?
B:      Three
BA:     What?
B:      And that one.
BA:     Three and that one. So if I add that one to the three what will I have?
B:      Oh! Some beans.
BA:     Yes. To you Baldrick, the renaissance was just something that happened
        to other people wasn't it?
Enter P wearing an enormous rough.
P:      Edmund, Edmund, come quickly the queen wants to see you.
BA:     What-
P:      I said "Edmund, Edmund, come quickly the queen wants to see-"
BA:     Please let me finish. What, are you wearing round your neck?
P:      Ah! It's my new rough!
BA:     You look like a bird who's swallowed a plate!
P:      It's the latest fashion actually and as a matter of fact it makes me
        look rather sexy!
BA:     To another plate swallowing bird perhaps. If it was blind and hadn't
        had it in months.
P:      I think you may be wrong.
BA:     You're a sad laughable figure aren't you Percy? What do you think of
        Percy's rough Baldrick?
B:      Four.
BA:     What?
B:      Some beans and some beans is four beans.
BA:     No, no. We've moved on from advanced mathematics, we're onto elementary
        dressmaking. What do you think of Percy's rough?
B:      I think he looks like a bird who's swallowed a plate my Lord.
BA:     No that's what I think, that's what I think! What do you think?
        Try to have a thought of your own, Baldrick, thinking is so
        important. What do you think?
B:      I think thinking is so important my Lord.
BA:     I give up! I'm off to see the queen.
P:      Oh shall I come too my Lord?
BA:     No, best not, people might think we're friends. You stay here with
        Baldrick.Bird neck and bird brain should get on like a house on fire!

SCENE 2 (The Royal Palace)
M:      Grey, I suspect Majesty.
Q:      I think you'll find it was orange Lord Melchett.
M:      Grey is more usual mam.
Q:      Who's queen ?
M:      As you say Majesty, there were these magnificent orange
        elephants which were coming.....
BA:     My Lady (Queeny screams), you wish to see me.
Q:      Yes, Lord Melchett has bad news.
BA:     Lord Melchett is bad news.
Q:      (Laughs) No, be serious. Melchett!
M:      Unhappily Blackadder, the Lord High Executioner is dead.
BA:     Oh woe ! Murdered of course.
M:      No, oddly enough no. They usually are but this one just got
        careless one night and signed his name on the wrong dotted
        line. They came for him while he slept.
BA:     He should have told them they had the wrong man.
M:      Oh he did, but you see they didn't, they had the right man
        and they had the form to prove it.
BA:     Te. bloody red tape eh ? And the bad news ?
Q:      The bad news is that actually there are simply hundreds of
        catholics who desperately want their heads sneaked off and
        there's no-one to organise it.
BA:     Hm, well I pity the poor sod who gets the job.
        No-one ever survives it more than a week.
M:      Mhm. I have taken the liberty mam, of drawing up a list of suitable
Q:      Oh goodo, let's hear it.
M:      List for the post of Lord High Executioner -
        Lord Blackadder.
BA:     Ah He.

SCENE 3  (Back at Edmund Blackadder's home)
BA:     Right then. Let's take a look shall we? Who's first into the head basket
        then? Admiral Lord Ethingham and Sir Francis Drake on Monday.
P:      That should draw a crowd.
BA:     Hm?
P:      Well, sailing enthusiasts.
BA:     Oh yes, better make sure there's a few anchors and things on the
        souvenier stall.
P:      Aye, aye, sir.
BA:     Never, ever try to be funny in my presence again Percy. Right,
        Buckingham and Ponsonby on Friday. Oh wait a minute. Farrow on
        Wednesday. Who's Farrow when he's not having his head cut off?
P:      Ah, James Farrow, pleasant bloke from Dorchester.
BA:     Don't know him, never will either. Yes, and he goes on Wednesdsay?
P:      Hmm.
BA:     It's not right though, is it?
P:      Well no! I mean now you come to mention it, my Lord, there was
        absolutely no evidence against young Farrow at all! It was an outrageous
        travesty of justice!
BA:     No, it's not right that he should be on Wednesday when we could stick
        him in on Monday and have half the week off.
P:      Oh I see. Yes, that's right.
BA:     Pop him in on Monday. Right, good! Five dead in two days. Not a bad
        start. Oh yes Percy, and the new rough?
P:      Better?
BA:     Worse.
P:      Ah, the fashion today is towards the tiny.
BA:     In that case, Percy, you have the most fashionable brain in London.

SCENE 4 (At the jails)
BA:     Right, good morning team. My name is Edmund Blackadder
        and I'm the new minister in charge of religious genocide.
        Now, if you play straight with me you'll find me a considerate
        employer, but cross me and you'll find that under this playful
        boyish exterior beats the heart of a ruthless sadistic maniac.
        Now my man you are ?
MRP:    Eh, jailor Sir, my Lord.
BA:     Good, well done and your name is ?
MRP:    Ploppy Sir.
BA:     Ploppy ?
MRP:    Yes Sir.
BA:     Ploppy the jailor ?
MRP:    That's right Sir. Ploppy son of Ploppy.
BA:     Ploppy, son of Ploppy the jailor ?
MRP:    Ah ach no Sir. I am the first Ploppy to rise to be jailor.
        My father, Daddy Ploppy was known as Ploppy the slopper.
        It was from him that I inherited my fascinating skin diseases.
BA:     Yes you are to be congratulated, my friend, we, we live in an age
        where illness and deformity are common place and yet Ploppy, you are
        without a doubt the most repulsive individual that I have ever met.
        I would shake your hand but I fear it would come off.
MRP:    There's no many bosses would be that considerate sir.
BA:     Thank you Ploppy, I do my best. Now then woman. if indeed you are a
        woman, what is your function on death row ?
MRSP:   I'm the last meal cook Sir. The prisoners may ask for what they fancy
        for there last meal.....
BA:     And you cook for them what they desire ?
MRSP:   Oh yes Sir, provided they ask for sausages. Otherwise they tend to get
        a tiny bit disappointed. Sausages is all I got.
BA:     You are clearly a woman of principle and compassion mistress eh ?
MRSP:   Ploppy Sir.
BA:     Ah, so you are married to...
MRSP:   No, many people think that but it's pure coincidence. We did laugh
        when first we found out. "Good morning" mistress Ploppy he'd say,
        and I'd say "good morning ..
MRSP:   Mr. Ploppy" (both laugh)
BA:     The long winter evenings must just fly by. Ah ! and you must be the
        boy who makes the tea ?
MRP:    Ah no Sir, he's the executioner but he does sometime make the tea.
BA:     Yes, and your name is ?
B:      Baldrick my Lord, but I'll change it to Ploppy if it'll make things
BA:     No thank you. I can cope with more than one name. What are you doing
        here ?
B:      Well, it's a hobby
MRSP:   It would be more, more fun Sir if he were to change his name. Give the
        place a more family atmosphere.
BA:     A family atmpsphere ? This is meant to be a place of pain and misery
        and sorrow.
MRSP:   That's what I mean Sir.
MRP:    Eh, Mistress Ploppy is a bit of a social realist Sir.
BA:     Now then, we're going to run a fast efficient operation and I intend to
        do as little work as possible. My deputy Percy here will explain.
P:      Good afternoon staff, my name is Lord Percy and if you play fair by me
        you will find me a considerate employer, but if you cross me BY JOVE,
        you ...
BA:     Just tell'em the plan duckface.
P:      My Lord, not in front of the staff.
BA:     Get on with it.
P:      Right Staff, as you know we are scheduled to execute Drake and
        Ethingham on Monday, Lord Farrow on Wednesday and Buckingham and
        Ponsonby on Friday. But in order to give us the middle of the week off,
        Lord Blackadder has decided to move Farrow to Monday.
BA:     Lets just say he's got time off for good behaviour.

SCENE 5 (The Royal Palace)
LF:     Your Majesty.
Q:      Yes Lady Farrow?
LF:     My husband dies tomorrow. I besiege you, even if you cannot save his
Q:      Which I don't think either of us would want seeing as how he's a
        horrible traitor!
LF:     Of course not Your Majesty. But if he must die, may I see him?
Q:      But of course. What's she asking me for? Why doesn't she just go along
        to the execution with everyone else?
M:      No Your Majesty, I don't beleive she wants to see him die, I believe
        she wants to see him before he dies.
Q:      How odd.
M:      Your Majesty?
Q:      She's not seen him! I wouldn't marry someone I'd never seen. You should
        take marriage a bit more seriously next time!
LF:     (cries)
Q:      Oh come now Lady Farrow, crying isn't going to help your husband now.
N:      No! Ointment! That's what you need when your head's been cut off!
        That's what I gave your sister Mary when they done her. "There, there"
        I said, "you'll soon grow a new one."
Q:      Shut up Nursie. Of course you may see your husband my dear, and if the
        horrid old Edmund tries to stop you give him this. It's a warrent, for
        his own execution!
LF:     Oh thank you Mam. May flights of angels sing you to your rest!
Q:      Yes, I'm sure they will!

SCENE 6  (Blackadder's Home)

P:      Hip, hip ...
BA:     So, they're all dead are they ?
P:      Yep, all three Drake, Ethingham, Farrow
MA:     Splendid, any interesting last words
P:      Well Farrow was rather moving my Lord. A great strong man, he stood
        there, gaunt and noble in the early morning mist and in a loud clear
        voice he cried out "My wife might have bloddy well turned up"
BA:     Ha, she's probably shacked up with some new pair of tights already.
        Right well unless Lord Percy has anything to add, you lot can amuse
        yourselves in whatever foul depraved way you feel fit til' Friday.
MRP&P:  Thank you Sir.
P:      Well staff, eh I've got a few notes on today's show. On the whole I was
BA:     They've gone Percy
P:      Eh eh eh team, team.
B:      My Lord, there is a lady outside to see you.
BA:     Oh is she pretty ?
B:      I don't know, what d'you think?
BA:     Well I don't know do I? I haven't seen her yet.
        Make yourself scarce Baldrick.
B:      Oh right.
LF:     Good evening Lord Blackadder.
BA:     Well it certainly is now. Perhaps you'd like to slip into something
        more comfortable.
LF:     No, my lord, for there is a great pain in my heart.
BA:     It's probably indigestion, I'll soon take your mind off that.
LF:     It's my husband.
BA:     Your husband's got indigestion? Well, he won't be bothering us then.
LF:     No, he dies tomorrow.
BA:     Oh come, you can't die of indigestion, you're over dramatising.
LF:     He is to be executed at your order. I am Lady Farrow.
BA:     Ah, and what exactly did you want of me?
LF:     I wish to see my husband tonight.
BA:     Ehe! Not really possible actually.
LF:     (Starts to whimper)
BA:     Excuse me just a second. Baldrick!
B:      My lord?
BA:     That Farrow bloke you executed today, are you sure he's dead?
B:      Well I chopped his head off, that usually does the trick.
BA:     Yes, don't get clever with me Baldrick. I just thought you might have
        lopped off a leg or something by mistake.
B:      No, the thing I chopped off had a nose.
BA:     Fine!
        Yes, I'm so sorry. I've just been consulting my legal people and I'm
        afraid there really is no chance of a meeting.
LF:     But the queen told me it would be allowed.
BA:     Really?
LF:     Yes, and that if you said "no", I should give you this.
BA:     Eh he! Fine, fine, absolutely, why not?

SCENE 7 (At the jails)

BA:     Right Baldrick, is that all clear?
B:      Yes, em, I've killed someone I shouldn't have killed, and now you want
        me to put a lady on my head and talk to his old bag.
BA:     No, I want you to put a bag on your head and talk to his old lady.
B:      Why? Why do I want a bag on my head?
BA:     In order, ningcompoop, that she should believe that you're her husband.
B:      Why, did he used to wear a bag on his head?
MRP:    Young, young Ploppy here has a point My Lord, Lord Farrow never wore a
        bag, he was an old fashioned sort of gent.
BA:     Look-
P:      Well, yes, My Lord, I mean, I hadn't meant to mention it but I have been
        wondering all along why you should think Baldrick with a bag on his head
        is going to be a dead ringer for Lord Farrow, because he's not!
BA:     Look, cretins, the bag is there in order to obscure Baldricks own
        features, and many might think, incidently, that that would be reason
        enough for him to wear it. Before I bring in Lady Farrow I shall explain
        to her, inventing some cunningly plausible excuse, that her husband has
        taken to wearing a bag. She can then chat to Baldrick imagining him to
        be the man she married and the queen need never know of my little
MRP:    Why, My Lord, that is a brilliant plan.
P:      Foolproof.
BA:     You're very kind.
MRP:     Although there is something lurking at the back of my head that bothers
BA:     It's probably a flea.
Enter MRSP
MRSP:   Your lordship, Lady Farrow awaits your pleasure.
BA:     All right, OK. Go on, quick! Quick!
BA:     Ah, Lady Farrow, what a real pleasure it is to see you again.
LF:     It is my beloved that I shall be pleased to see.
BA:     Well quite, quite. Though I should warn you that he, eh, he will not be
        quite as you knew him.
LF:     You fiend! What have you done to him?
BA:     We have put.... a bag over his head.
LF:     Why?
BA:     Well, the thing is, you see, none of the other prisoners have such
        shapely widows, baa wives I should say, and therefore in the interests
        of the condemned community, your husband has nobly agreed to wear a bag.
        It was either that or have all the other prisoners in there with you.
LF:     How like him to make such a gesture.
BA:     Yes, yes. Well I'll just go and check he's bagged up. Right Balders,
        this is it.
Enter MRP,P
MRP:    My lord!
BA:     Oh what is it now Ploppy?
MRP:    I have located my nagging doubt. It's a small point, but I do now recall
        that Lord Farrow was considerably taller, more than a yard taller, than
        young Ploppy here.
BA:     If you want something done properly you've got to do it yourself,
        haven't you? Anything else I should know?
MRP:    Oh yes, he had a very deep voice, big deep booming voice.
BA:     So quite like mine then?
MRP:    No, my lord, a big deep booming voice.
BA:     Well mine's quite deep.
MRP:    Ah not like his, and in fact, he was even taller than you, my lord. Oh
        a giant of a man.
BA:     Yes, all right, all right, don't rub it in. Percy, you'd better go
        and have another word with her. Go on, go on.
P:      Em, sorry about the delay madam, eh, as you know, you are about to meet
        your husband, whom you will recognise on account of the fact that he has
        a bag over his head.
LF:     Why I would know my darling anywhere.
P:      Well, yes, there are a couple of other things.
LF:     I am prepared for the fact that he may have lost some weight.
P:      Yes, and some height. That's the interesting thing, eh, you'll
        probably hardly recognise him at all actually.
LF:     You'll be telling me his arm's grown back next.
P:      Eh, excuse just for a sec. He's only got one arm!!!
MRP:    Ah yes!
BA:     Oh well I shall just have to stick it inside the shirt. Which one?
        Which one?
P:      Eh, eh, hang on! Em hang on! Em, em, eh, how do we know you're his wife?
LF:     What?
P:      Em, well, you know, you could be a gloater.
LF:     I beg pardon.
P:      You know, a gloater, eh, come to gloat over the condemned man. I mean
        we're up to our ears is gloaters here. "Can I come in for a gloat?" they
        shout and we shout back "Oh you heartless gloaters".
LF:     (cries)
P:      All right, all right, I tell you what. I'll believe you're not a
        gloater if you tell me which arm he hasn't got.
lf:     His left of course! Now let me see my husband!
P:      Right! it's the left. Good luck!
BA:     Gloaters, you really are a pratt aren't you Percy ?
        Right, don't forget in two minutes you interrupt me all right ?
        And no more than two minutes otherwise I'm in real trouble, and don't
        forget because..?
B:      Because we're not at home to Mr. Cockup!
BA:     Correct.
MRP:    Remember the voice my lord.
BA:     Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
Exit B, P, MRP.
BA:     Enter.
LF:     James?
BA:     My darling!
LF:     How are you?
BA:     Oh fine, fine. Food's not bad. Apart from the sausages.
LF:     You're voice is somehow different.
BA:     Oh, how?
LF:     Somehow lighter, not as deep or booming as once it was.
BA:     Is that better?
LF:     Oh my darling! Oh call me by that name you always called me to show
        your love is still strong.
BA:     Ah yes, look, do you think this is quite the time or the place for
        that sort of thing ?
LF:     Please!
BA:     Em this is the specific secret little name that I always used to
        call you? You want to be called it again, is that right?
LF:     Yes, the one like 'your little pumpkin'.
BA:     The one like 'your little pumpkin' but not actually 'your little
        pumpkin' ?
LF:     No.
BA:     Em, right then, my little pumpkinywumpkiny ?
LF:     Oh my darling! AH! Your arm!
BA:     What's wrong with it?
LF:     What happened to it?
BA:     Well, well, I'm rather hurt you don't remember yourself in fact.
LF:     But it was only cut off at the elbow.
BA:     Aagh!
LF:     What happened to the rest?
BA:     Ah, yes, well, well I got into a scrap here with a fellow who called
        you a nosey little strumpet who was always going blubbing to the
LF:     Oh!
BA:     And we got into a fight, and he cut off the top half.
LF:     Oh alas!
BA:     Eh, ah, yes of course, well I think you'd better be going. Lord
        Blackadder said he was going to be sending in his servant Baldrick
        to collect me.
LF:     Perhaps, my lord, he is leaving us for a little longer.
BA:     Oh no, no, no. I shouldn't think so. BALDRICK!!
        He's usually very punctual.
LF:     Perhaps this Baldrick is doing it out of kindness.
BA:     Oh no, I shouldn't think so. BALDRICK!! He, he he's a very unkind
LF:     Well then, let us leap on the moment that we have been given and use
        it to its full.
BA:     What ?
LF:     Let me do this last thing for you! What wife could do more ?
BA:     What? Oh, I see.
Enter B.
B:      Right, that's it. Time up!
BA:     No it isn't.
B:      Yes it is! Come along. Time's up! Come along.
LF:     Oh we've had so little time. May we finish what we began in paradise.
B       Farewell.
Exit LF.
BA:     Baldrick, you bastard! You utter bastard!
        That was the first time ever, in my whole life. I've been on this
        pultry, boring planet for 30 years and that's the first time ever
        anyone has ever attempted...
Enter LF.
LF:     But do not despair my lord. Your brother petitions the queen tomorrow
        morning. There may still be hope!
Exit LF.
BA:     What?
B:      Shall I prepare the guest room for Mr. Cockup my lord ?

SCENE 8  (The Royal Palace)

Q:      Oh yes alright then, let him off. He probably is innocent anyway.
F:      My lady! May the heavens rain down radiant jewels and sweet meats
        apon you.
Q:      Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!
F:      And may Cherabim and Seraphim.....
Q:      Out!
BA:     My lady, about Lord Farrow.
Q:      I've let him off.
BA:     No, no, no, no, you can't. He's a complete cad of the first water.
Q:      'Can't' is not a word for princes Lord Blackadder.
M:      How very true majesty.
Q:      Anyway, I won't be argued with, will I Nursey?
N:      Well sometimes my darling when you want something very naughty. No
        you won't be argued with absolutely not.
Q:      Precisely. So Lord Backadda ha! I want to see Lord Farrow here in
        1 hour. Meanwhile, I shall spend the time visiting my old friend Lord
        Ponsonby who I believe I'm having killed on Friday - Come on Nursey,
        let's see if there are any good heads in Traitor's Cloister on the way!
BA:     Percy, this is a very difficult situation.
P:      Yes, my lord.
BA:     Someone's for the chop. You or me in fact.
P:      Ah yes.
BA:     Let's face facts Perc, it's you!
P:      Except, Exc-ept, I may have a plan.
BA:     Oh yes.
P:      Yes, eh, eh. How about if we get Lord Farrow's head and body and we
        take it to the queen, except, exc-ept just before we get in,we start
        shouting and screaming, and then we come in saying "We were just on
        our way when he said something traitorous and so we cut his head off
        in the corridor just to teach him a lesson".
BA:     Pathetic! Absolutely pathetic! Contemptable! Worth a try. Where did
        we put the head?
P:      It's on a spike in traitor's cloister.
BA:     Oh God, well that's where the queen's gone! Did she know Farrow?
P:      Oh yes, they were childhood friends.
BA:     Well what if she sees his head on a spike? She'll, she'll, she'll
        realise he's dead!
P:      Yes.
BA:     You fetch the body, and I'll cover the head.

SCENE 9 (Traitor's cloister)

Q:      Oh! Hello Edmund. Look I'm sorry I snapped at you just now. You know
        I'm really very keen on you indeed don't you ?
BA:     Oh yes mam, as you were keen on Essex.
Q:      Exactly!
BA:     Right up to the point at which you had his head cut off.
Q:      (laughs) He didn't mind that, he knew it was only little me! And I
        must say, his head did look jolly super on its spike. Are there no
        heads on spikes today ?
BA:     Em, no. No, we're training up a new executioner and he's a little
        immature. Takes him forever. Slash, slash, slash. By the time he's
        finished you don't so much need a spike as a toast rack.
Q:      I like toast. Still, must be off to say bye bye to Ponsonby. Would you
        care to stroll with me a while just if you've got time, if you're
        not to busy.
BA:     No, sorry mam, affairs at office-
Q:      I said "Would you care to stroll with me a while, just if you've got
        time, if YOU'RE NOT TOO BUSY!"
BA:     It would make the decade wothwhile!


BA:     And in Genoa, 'tis now the fashion to pin a live frog to the shoulder
        braid, stand in a bucket and go "bibble" at passers by.
Q:      Oh, our Italian cousins!
BA:     Well if you'll excuse me mam, I've got some business to attend to.
Q:      Certainly. But first Edmund, take my hand. Tell me you forgive my
        former sharpness.
BA:     Em. M'lady
Q:      Sweet Lord Blackadder.
Exit Q,N. Enter P.
BA:     Percy.
P:      Well, I've got the body my lord and I see you've got the head.
BA:     Yes but look it's no good Percy, no-one's ever going to believe
        we've just cut it off, it's gone green! We're doomed.
P:      Doomed. Oh wait a moment, that's not Farrow!
BA:     Isn't it ?
P:      No, that's Ponsonby.
BA:     My God, Ponsonby! That genius Baldrick has killed the wrong bloke.
        We're saved.
P:      Saved.
BA:     Then Farrow is alive and we're saved.
P:      Hooray!
BA:     And when the queen gets back from seeing Ponsonby we'll - Oh God!
P:      Oh doomed! Doomed!

SCENE 10  (At the jails)

Q:      It's not very nice here is it?
N:      No, it's not meant to be my pikelet. This is where all the horrid
        people who don't like you live.
Q:      Hmm, I suppose so. It's a bit smelly too, isn't it?
N:      Ah well of course I'm used to that. In the mornings when you were a
        little baby ....
Q:      Shut up Nursey! You - No not you, you're too repulsive. You!
B:      Yes, your Royal Majestic highness.
Q:      Bring in Lord Ponsonby.
B:      Yes your royal majestic .. thing!
Q:      So strange, Ponsonby turned out to be a traitor. You would have thought
        that he'd have had problems enough - what with that hunch, and only
        having one leg!
N:      Yes and that terrible speech problem
P:      Your majesty.. Lord Ponsonby
BA:     Your royal majesty. Sorry about the baaag. Didn't have time to shave !

                                THE END

Blackadder II: Episode 1 Bells

Black Adder II, Episode 1



The characters.

E:   Edmund Blackadder
B:   Baldrick
S:   Percy Bysshe Shelley
K:   Kate
b:   Bob (alias Kate)
N:   Nursie
F:   Father of Kate
M:   Melchett
Q:   Queen Elizabeth I
W:   Wisewoman
F:   Lord Flashheart
D:   Doctor Leech
C:   Young crone

In the house of Kate and her father.

K:   Father, I must speak. I can be silent no longer. All day long you
     muttered to yourself, gibbered, dribbled, moaned and bat your head
     against the wall, yelling "I want to die". Now you may say I'm
     leaping to conclusions but you're not *completely* happy, are you?
     It's mother, isn't it?
F:   No, it is not.
K:   You're brooding over her death, aren't you?
F:   Kate, for the final time, your mother is not dead. She's run off
     with your uncle Henry.
K:   Dear father, I know you only say such things to comfort me.
F:   Your mother is alive and well and living in Droitwich. It is not her
     I brood over. I'm sad because, my darling, our poverty has now
     reached such extremes that I can no longer afford to keep us. I must
     look to my own dear tiny darling to sustain me in my frail dotage.
K:   But father, surely...
F:   Yes Kate, I want you to become a prostitute.
K:   Father!
F:   Do you defy me?
K:   But indeed, I do. For it is better to die poor than to live in shame
     and ignominy.
F:   No, it isn't.
K:   I'm young and strong and clever. My nose is pretty. I shall find
     another way to earn us a living.
F:   Oh, please... go on the game. It is a steady job and you'd be
     working from home.
K:   Goodbye father. I shall go to London, disguise my self as a boy and
     seek my fortune!
F:   But why go all the way to London when you can make a  fortune lying
     on your back?

In the house of Edmund Blackadder.
[Baldrick holds a dartboard over his head, while Edmund practises the bow]
B:   Ah, very good shot, my lord.
E:   Thank you, Baldrick.
[Percy walks in]
S:   Sorry I'm late.
E:   No, don't bother apologizing. I'm sorry you're alive.
S:   Oh good, I see the target is ready. [Picks up the bow]
     I'd like to see the Spaniard who could make his way past me.
E:   Well, go to Spain. There're millions of them.
S:   I'll advise them to stay there then. Keep their hands off our women.
E:   Oh God, who is she this time?
S:   I don't know what you mean. Aah, ouch, aah.
[Edmund succeeds in pilfering a letter from Percy]
E:   Aah, and who is Jane?
S:   I'm sworn to secrecy. Torture me, kill me, you shall never know.
     Ooh, ouch... Jane Herrington.  We're very much in love, my lord.
E:   This is *the* Jane Herrington?
S:   Yes.
E:   Jane - burry-me-in-a-wide-shaped-coffin - Herrington.
S:   I.., I think maybe there are two Jane Herringtons.
E:   No... Tall, blond, elegant?
S:   Right, that's right.
E:   Goes like a privy door when the plague is in town?
     Come on, get on with your shot. You'll get over her.
... [Percy aims]
E:   I did.
... [Percy aims again]
E:   So did Baldrick actually. [Percy's shot ends up way too low]
S:   Damned!
E:   You see, she's got this thing about beards apparently.
S:   Well, in that case I'm going to shave!
[Percy leaves]
E:   Bad luck, Boulders.
B:   Not to worry my lord, the arrow didn't in fact enter my body.
E:   Oh good.
E:   No, by a thousand to one chance my willy got in the way.
E:   Extraordinary.
B:   And I only just put it there. But now, I will leave it there
E:   That so Baldrick? It can be your lucky willy.
B:   Yes, my lord. Years from now I'll show it to my grandchildren.
E:   No Baldrick, I think that grandchildren may now be out of the
     Poor old Pee Brain, eh? Ha! Never catch me falling in love, that's
     for damned sure as mustard[?].
[Knock on the door]
E:   Come in.
[Kate enters, dressed in boys clothes]
b:   Good day to you, Lord Blackadder!
E:   Ah, good day to you... boy?!. What is it brings you here?
b:   I'm an honest hard working lad, but poor and I must support my
     father who is stark raving mad. Therefore I come to London to seek a
     servants wage.
E:   Yes, indeed. Unfortunately I already have a servant.
b:   The word is that your servant is the worst servant in London.
E:   Hmm, that's true. Baldrick you're fired. Be out of the house in ten
     minutes. Well young man you've got your self a job. What do they
     call you?
b:   Kate.
E:   Isn't that a bit of a girls name?
b:'s..euh... short for... Bob!
E:   Bob?!
b:   Yes.
E:   Well, Bob, welcome on board.
     Sorry Baldrick, any reason why you are still here?
B:   Euh .. I've got nowhere to go, my lord.
E:   O surely you will be allowed to starve to death in one of the royal
B:   I've been in your service since I was two and a halve, my lord.
E:   Well that is the why I am so utterly sick of the sight of you.
B:   Couldn't I just stay here and do the same job but for no wages?
E:   Well, you know where you will have to live.
B:   In the gutter.
B:   Yes.
E:   And you'll have to work a bit harder too.
B:   Of course, my lord.
E:   All right. Go and get Bob's stuff in and chuck your filthy muck out
     into the street.
B:   God bless you, sweet master.
[Baldrick leaves, Percy enters again, without beard]
E:   Oh Bob, this is Percy, a dimwit I don't seem to be able to shake
S:   Ah, hello there Bob, you young roister-doister, you. Ah, you look a
     likely sort of lad for tricks and sports and all sorts of jolly,
     rosy cheap capering, eh. Of course you do, and more besides, I
     warrant thee, young scamp.
b:   Thank you so much for letting me stay Lord Blackadder.
E:   Oh not at all Bob. I'm looking forward to having you... Euh, having
     another man about the house instead of that animal Baldrick. Excuse
     me, I must go into the lavatory.
b:   [to the camera] How little he knows and how much I would have him
S:   I say Bob, I think this calls for a celebration. How about a game of
     cup and ball and a slab of tea at Mrs. Miggins pie shop?
b:   Get lost, creep!
S:   Euh, euh, I like you young Bob. You've got balls.

In the court of Queen Elizabeth.

Q:   Nice try Melchy, but it is no use. I'm still bored!
M:   I'm very sorry madam. Your royal father used to be very amused by my
     impersonation of Columbus.
Q:   You don't surprise me. He used to laugh at these people with the
     funny faces and the bells.
M:   Ah, jesters ma'm.
Q:   No, lepers. Where is Edmund these days?
M:   Ah well, the whisper on the underground grapevine, ma'm, is that
     Lord Blackadder is spending all his time with a young boy in his
Q:   Oh. Do you think he would spend more time with me if I was a boy?
M:   Surely not madam.
N:   You almost were a boy, my little cherrypit.
Q:   What?
N:   Yeah. Out you popped, out of your mummies pumpkin and everybody
     shouting : "It's a boy, it's a boy!". And somebody said "but it
     hasn't got a winkle!". And then I said "A boy without a winkle? God
     be praised, it is a miracle. A boy without a winkle!" And then Sir
     Thomas More pointed out that a boy without a winkle is a girl.
     Anyway, I was really disappointed.
M:   Oh yes, well you see, he was a very perceptive man, Sir Thomas More.
Q:   Oh, what *has* happened about Edmund? There is something very odd
     about someone who spends all his time with a servant.

[Romantic interlude with Edmund and Bob walking in the countryside to the
tunes of "Greensleeves", "The Rain it Raineth Every Day", "Hey Nonny, I
Love You", "My Love is a Prick (On a Tudor Rose)", "Hot Sex Madrigal in the
Middle of my Tights" and "Many, many more..."]

E:   Well Bob. We're a couple of fine lads together, aren't we? Let's get
     retted and talk about girls eh? Yes we could sink to really dirty
     songs and... oh God, I find you curiously pleasant company, young
b:   I'm honoured and for my part want nothing more than to be with
     you... old man.
E:   Well absolutely. I mean there is nothing more healthy and normal
     than having a good chum.
b:   What think you my lord of love?
E:   You mean rumpy pumpy?
b:   What would you say my lord if I were to say "I love you".
E:   Eum, well of course it depends entirely on whom you said it to. If
     you said it to a horse I would presume you were sick, if you said it
     to Baldrick I would presume you were blind and if you said it to me,
b:   Yes, my lord?
E:   Well, well I'd naturally assume we were having a big lads joke about
     back-tickle as the way we healthy fellows often do and I'd probably
     grab you for a friendly wrestle and then we'd probably slap each
     others sides like jolly good chums and laugh at what it would be
     like if we really did fancy each other.
b:   In that case my lord... I love you!
[Bob and Edmund engage in friendly wrestling, just when the mood changes,
Baldrick enters the room]
B:   Don't worry Bob. He used to try and kill me too.
E:   Why didn't you go Baldrick? Mighty glad to see you[?] What do you
B:   Bah, I was wondering if I might sleep on the roof sir? Earlier the
     towns bailiff says that if I lie in the gutter I will be flushed
     into the Thames with all the other turds.
E:   Yes, certainly Baldrick. Help your self. I was just off to bed
     anyway. Euh.. good night Baldrick. Good night Bob.
b:   Good night my lord.
E:   Yes. Oh God...

At the doctors.

D:   Now then what seems to be the trouble?
E:   Well, it is my man servant.
D:   I see. Well don't be embarrassed if you got the pocks. Just pop your
     man servant on the table and we'll take a look at him.
E:   No, I mean, it is my real man servant.
D:   Ah, ah. And what is wrong with him?
E:   There is nothing wrong with him. That is the problem. He's perfect
     and last night I almost kissed him.
D:   I see. So you started fancying boys then, have you?
E:   Not boys. A boy.
D:   Yes, well let's not split hairs. It is all rather disgusting and
     naturally you're worried.
E:   Of course I'm worried.
D:   Well, of course you are. It isn't every day a man wakes up to
     discover he's a screaming bender with no more right to live on Gods
     clean earth than a weazle. Ashamed of your self?
E:   Not really, no.
D:   Bloody hell! I would be. But still why should I complain? Just
     leaves more rampant totty for us real men, eh?
E:   Look, am I paying for this personal abuse or is it extra?
D:   No, it's all part of the service. I think you're in luck though. An
     extraordinary new cure has just been developed for exactly this kind
     of sordid problem.
E:   It wouldn't have anything to do with leeches, would it?
D:   I had no idea you were a medical man.
E:   Never had anything you doctors didn't try to cure with leeches. A
     leech on my ear for ear ache, a leech on my bottom for constipation.
D:   They're marvellous, aren't they?
E:   Well, the bottom one wasn't. I just sat there and squashed it.
D:   You know the leech comes to us on the highest authority?
E:   Yes. I know that. Dr. Hoffmann of Stuttgart, isn't it?
D:   That's right, the great Hoffmann.
E:   Owner of the largest leech farm of Europe.
D:   Yes. Well, I cannot spend all day gossiping. I'm a busy man. As far
     as this case is concerned I have now had time to think it over and I
     can strongly recommend a course of leeches. [in chorus]
E:   Yes. I 'll pop a couple down my codpiece before I go to bed.
D:   No, no, no, no. Don't be ridiculous. This isn't the dark ages. Just
     pop four in your mouth in the morning and let them dissolve slowly.
     In a couple of weeks you 'll be beating your servant with a stick,
     just like the rest of us.
E:   You're a sale[?] quack, aren't you?
D:   I'd rather be a quack than a ducky. Good day.

At the house of lord Blackadder.

B:   Anything to follow my lord? There is this lovely fat spider I found
     in the bath. I was saving it for my self but if you fancy it...
E:   Shut up Baldrick. I don't eat invertebrates for fun you know. This
     is doctors orders.
B:   Oh, I don't hold with this new fangle doctoring. Any  problems, I go
     to the Wise woman!
E:   Yes Baldrick. I am long past on trusting my self to some deranged
     druid who gives her professional address as 1, Dunghill Mansions,

In Putney.

E:   Tell me Young crone, is this Putney?
C:   That it be, that it be.
E:   "Yes it is". Not "that it be". You don't have to talk in that stupid
     voice to me. I'm not a tourist. I seek information about a
C:   Ah, the Wisewoman.. the Wisewoman.
E:   Yes, the Wisewoman.
C:   Two things, my lord, must thee know of the Wisewoman. First, she is
     ... a woman, and second, she is ...
E:   .. wise?
C:   You do know her then?
E:   No, just a wild stab in the dark which is incidentally what you'll
     be getting if you don't start being a bit more helpful. Do you know
     where she lives?
C:   Of course.
E:   Where?
C:   Here. Do you have an appointment?
E:   No.
C:   Well, you can go in anyway.
E:   Thank you Young crone. Here is a purse of moneys... which I'm not
     going to give to you.

W:   Hail Edmund, lord of Adders Black.
E:   Hello.
W:   Step no nearer, for already I see thy bloody purpose. Thou plot is,
     Blackadder: thou wouldst be king and drown Middlesex in a butt of
     wine. Ah, ah, ah, ah.
E:   No, no, no, no. it is far worse than that. I'm in love with my man
W:   Oh well, I'd sleep with him if I were you.
E:   What?
W:   When I fancy people, I sleep with them. Oh, I have to drug them
     first of course! Being so old and watty.
E:   But what about my position, my social life?
W:   Very well then. Three other paths are open to you. Three cunning
     plans to cure thy ailment.
E:   Oh good.
W:   The first is simple. Kill Bob!
E:   Never.
W:   Then try the second. Kill your self!
E:   Neu. And the third?
W:   The third is to ensure that no one else ever knows.
E:   Ha, that sounds more like it. How?
W:   Kill everybody in the whole world. Ah, ha, ha ...

At the house of Lord Blackadder.

E:   Now look here Bob. I've got something very important to say to you
     and I want you to listen very carefully.
b:   Yes.
E:   Look Bob. I've decided that you are to leave my service.
b:   Oh no, my lord! My father will starve and I'll have to become a..
     male prostitute. And besides, I thought we were friends.
E:   Oh we are friends Bob. Of course, of course.. In fact that's the
     reason I want you to leave my service and become my live-in[?] chum.
b:   Oh my lord!
E:   Now. I want to make definitely clear that I am in no way interested
     in the contents of your tights.
b:   You might be, my lord, if you knew what I kept in them.
E:   Euh, ah.. I've learned of my self, well.. that I know what a
     gentleman keeps in his tights. Thank you very much.
b:   But my lord, I have a great secret.
E:   What?
b:   Prepare to be amazed. [Bob starts unbuttoning her blouse]
E:   Oh no. You haven't got one of these birthmarks shaped like a banana,
     have you?
b:   No.
E:   Or, or, or a tattoo saying "Get it here"?
b:   No.
E:   Oh God. You've got one of those belly buttons that sticks outward,
     haven't you?
b:   No my lord.
E:   Now what can it possibly be?
[Mysterious music on a flute]
E:   Aah... good Lord!

[Two minutes later, Bob and Edmund chatting at the table]
E:   What was all that Bob's stuff about then?
b:   Because you would have just used me and cast me aside like you have
     so many women before.
E:   Would I?
b:   Yes. But now you have a chance to grow to love me for what I really
E:   Yes, that's true and now I want to marry you, Bob.
b:   Kate!
E:   Then come, kiss me Kate!

In the Court of Queen Elizabeth.

M:   I bring grave intelligence of your former favourite Lord Blackadder.
Q:   Oh good.
M:   It appears he wishes to marry a girl called Bob.
Q:   It is a very odd name for a girl, isn't it? Girls are normally
     called Elizabeth or Mary.
N:   And Donald...
Q:   Mouth is open Nursie, should be shut.
N:   Thing is true, sweet one. I had three sisters and they were called
     Donald, Eric and Basil.
Q:   Then why is your name Nursie?
N:   That ain't my real name.
Q:   Isn't it?
N:   No.
Q:   No, what is your real name then?
N:   Bernard.
Q:   Suites you, actually.
[Edmund enters the room]
E:   Your Majesty.
Q:   Oh, hello stranger.
E:   I seek your permission to wed.
Q:   So I hear. Melchie, what do you think of all this?
M:   Oh, but I must confess madam, that I'm astonished that Blackadder
     could possibly have eyes for any other woman than your self.
Q:   Good point. Though slightly grovely.
E:   Very well. When I fell in love I didn't know she was a woman. I
     thought she was a boy.
M:   But of course that makes it perfectly acceptable, doesn't it?
Q:   Oh all right, go on and marry her.
E:   Thank you, ma'm.
Q:   Just tell me one thing. Is her nose as pretty as mine?
E:   Oh, no, no.. ma'm.
Q:   Oh good, because otherwise I would have cut it off. And then you
     would have to marry someone without a nose and that wouldn't be very
     nice, would it?
E:   No ma'm.
Q:   Imagine the mess when she's got a cold! Yuck!
E:   Well, quite ma'm.
Q:   All right, off you go then.
[Edmund leaves]
Q:   Everyone seems to get married except me.
N:   And me, Ma'm.
Q:   Oh shut up, Bernard.

At Blackadders residence.

K:   You'll make a lovely bridesmaid Baldrick. Pity me that I have no
     actual girl chums because we were so poor in our house we couldn't
     afford friends.
E:   It is strangely in keeping with the manner of our courtship that
     your maid of honour should be a man.
B:   Thank you very much my lord.
E:   Well, I use the word man in an as broad as possible sense because we
     all know God made man in his own image. It would be a sad look out
     for christians around the globe if God looked any like you,
K:   Ignore old Mister Grumpy. There you are, Boulders. Hmm, you look
     sweet as a little pie.
E:   Kate, he looks like what he is: a dung ball in a dress.
[Percy enters]
S:   Oh Edmund... [sees the bridesmaid]
     Hello there... Edmund, you didn't tell me we were expecting guests.
     And such a pretty one too.
E:   Oh God...
S:   Now you're a little cuty to be hiding your self away all these
     years. Tell me gorgeous, what is your name?
E:   He's called Baldrick.
S:   Baldrick.. that's a pretty name. Edmund used to have a servant
     called Baldrick. But anyway, away with such small-talk. Lady.. a
b:   What?
S:   And so modest too. Come on you little tease. You know you want to.
     Give us a kiss.
b:   All right, if you say so. [kisses Percy heavily]
S:   Ohghw...he.. what an original perfume.
E:   That is our Baldrick. He's wearing a dress.
S:   Ourgh..
E:   Anyway, what do you want?
S:   Ourgh... well euh.. [deep voice] Edmund, there has been some
     discussion around the Court on the subject of who's going to be your
     best man and I thought it might be the moment to bring the subject
     to a conclusion.
E:   Ah yes, Percy. I would like you...
S:   Oh, I'm so proud!
E:   Please let me finish. I would like you to take this letter to Dover
     where is recently docked the galleon of my old school friend and
     adventurer Lord Flashheart. He shall be my best man.
S:   Lord Flash Heart. The best sword, the best shot, the best sailor and
     the best kisser in the kingdom.
E:   Even he. To Dover at once!
S:   Yes. Actually I was going to suggest Lord Flash Heart as the best
     man my self.
E:   Were you?
[S leaves, crying his eyes out]

In front of the church.

[Wedding bells]
K:   Edmund I cannot believe it is really happening.
E:   It is, my sweet.
K:   Before we go in I want you to meet my father.
E:   Oh fine!
E:   [to the old man standing near them] Excuse me, could you move along
     please. Look, I'm waiting for my father in law. Last thing I want is
     some scruffy old beggar blocking the church door, smelling of
F:   I am your father in law.
E:   Oh no... All right, how much you want to clear off?
K:   Edmund, how could you? He's my father, my only living relative.
F:   Ten pounds should do the trick.
K:   Father!
E:   All right, there we go.
K:   Edmund, you mustn't!
E:   No, don't worry, I'll get Baldrick to beat him up after the
     ceremony. We'll get the money back. Come on, we're late.

In the court of Queen Elizabeth.

Q:   Ah Edmund. Could we get on do you think? I want to get to the
     reception so I can get squiffy and seduce someone.
E:   Yes.. oh.. unfortunately ma'm, my best man still has not arrived.
Q:   Well, get another one.
E:   Ma'm, there is no one else I can really think of.
S:   Euh.
E:   Sorry Percy?
S:   Nothing my lord, just clearing my throat.
E:   Don't. I don't want you coughing all the way through the ceremony.
Q:   Oh, come on Edmund. You must be able to think of another best man.
E:   Well, I suppose I could ask Percy. Percy!
S:   My lord!
E:   Can you think of another best man?
S:   Well my lord. One name does spring to mind.
E:   Yes. But I can't ask Baldrick. He's a bridesmaid and besides, I need
     a friend, an equal, an old and trusty companion.
S:   I think there is one person in the room who fits the description.
E:   Of course... Nursie! How do you fancy putting on a pair of hose and
     being my best man?
Q:   Edmund, don't be so naughty. You know perfectly well whom Percy is
     referring to.
E:   All right, I'm sorry. Melchard! [squeak] All right! All right! As
     ashamed as I am and contradiction in terminus though it is, Percy,
     you can be the best man.
S:   Oh, my lord! Noble cause, oh what an honour. I brought along a ring,
E:   I really did think old Flash would have turned up.

[Lord Flashheart enters in spectacular fashion]
F:   It's me, Flash! Flash by name, Flash by nature. Hurrah!
E:   Where have you been?
F:   Where haven't I been! ..Waugh!!!.. But I'm here now.
F:   Who is that?
E:   I don't know, but he is in your place.
F:   Not for long. Hold that.
[Hands his sword to Baldrick, then throws Percy through the door]
F:   Thanks bridesmaid, like the beard. Gives me something to hang on to.
F:   So me old mate Eddie is getting hitched, hey? What's the matter?
     Can't stand the pace of the mmmm [grabs Edmund's tights].
     Hey queeny. You look sexy. Listen, wear your hair long, I prefer it
     that way.
Q:   [to the camera] I've got such a crush on him.
F:   Hey Melchie! Still worshipping God? Last thing I heard He started
     worshipping ME...
     Ah Nursie, I like it firm and fruity. Am I pleased to see you or did
     I just put a canoe in my pocket? Down boy, down. And now... where is
     this amazing bird? The one who stopped my old pall Eddie doing
     exactly whatever he wants, ten times a night.
E:   Ah yes Flash, let me introduce my... my fiancee Kate.
F:   Hi, baby! [Flash kisses the bride]
F:   She's got a tongue like an electric eel and she likes the taste of a
     man's tonsils. You don't want to marry this jerk baby? Meet me on my
     horse in eight seconds.
K:   But I can't run in this frock. You see, I found I actually preferred
     wearing boys clothes.
F:   Weird. I always feel more comfy in a dress. I got a plan and it's as
     hot as my pants.
E:   What a man Flash is, eh? Things will certainly liven around here,
     now he's back. Flash. Flash??
[Flash (in dress) and Kate (in boys clothes) on a horse, about to depart]
F:   So long, suckers! Next time you get bored with your lives just give
     me a call and I'll come round and kill you.
K:   Bye Edmund and thanks for everything. Hurrah!
[Flash leaves in the same style as he arrived]

M:   It is customary on these occasions for the groom to marry the
     bridesmaid. I presume you intend to honour this.
B:   I do.


So Flash Heart tweaked the Adders beard,
from now he always shall be single.
To fall in love with boys is weird,
especially boys without a tingle.
Blackadder, Blackadder. His taste is rather odd.
Blackadder, Blackadder a randy little sod.
Lord Flash Heart, Lord Flash Heart, I wish you were the star.
Lord Flash Heart, Lord Flash Heart, you're sexier by far.

[The end]

Thursday, 15 November 2012

Blackadder I, Episode 6 - The Black Seal

The Black Adder I, Episode 6

The Black Seal


Intro: Many are the tales told of the Black Adder and of his faithful
henchmen Lord Percy Percy and Baldric son of Robin the Dung-Gatherer, but
none is told so oft, with so much hitting of heads with wonder and
repeating of exciting parts as this the final chapter in the book of The
Black Adder.

[Start Credits Roll]

Narrator: England 1498, St Junipers Day on which the King would lavish new
honours upon his kinfolk.

{Scene : The court of Richard IV}

King Richard : St Juniper once said, "By his loins shall ye know him and
by the length of his rod shall he be measured." The length of my rod is a
mystery to all but the Queen, and a thousand Turkish hoardes, but the
fruits of my loins are here for all to see. I have two sons, Henry and
.... another one.
        Step forward, Harry, Prince of Wales.

{Harry approaches and prostrates himself in front of his father}

KR: Harry, I hereby name thee, captain of the Guard, Grand Warden of the
Northern and Eastern Marches, Chief Lunatic of the Duchy of Gloucester,
Viceroy of Wales, Sheriff of Nottingham, Marquis of the Midlands, Lord
Hoe-Maker in ordinary and Harbinger of the Doomed-Rat.
        Step forward, the other one.

{Edmund approaches and prostrates himself on the step below Richard}

KR: Till now thy titles have been but few, Duke of Edinburgh and Warden of
the Royal Privvies.

Edmund Black Adder: Just so my lord.

KR: We thank thee Egbert for thy wok in Edinburgh, know now that we do
relieve thee of thy heavy task and give the Dukedom to our lord cousin
Hastings. (aside) Many Happy Returns Tom.
        Thus have I discharged the duties of Juniper. Chiswick, fresh
horses. We ride at once to rebellious Stoke where it is my sworn intent to
approach the city walls bare my broad buttocks and shout "Behold. I honour
thee most highly"

< Fanfare and cheers >

{Court empties leaving EBA, Percy and Baldric}

Percy: Well, it could have been worse my lord.

Baldric: Yeah, for a moment there I thought you were going to lose the

EBA {rising from the stairs} : No. It will not do.

P: No you're right my lord it won't.

EBA I must clear away the chaff from my life and let shine forth the true
wheat of greatness.

P {Looking at Baldric} : Do it at once my lord.

EBA: Very well. Percy ... you're dismissed from my service.

P {Points at Baldric}: Ha ha ha.... who me why ?

EBA: Because Percy, far from being a fit consort for a Prince of the
Realm, you would bore the leggings off a village idiot. You ride a horse
rather less well tan another horse would, your brain would make a grain of
sand look large and ungainly and the part of you that can't be mentioned,
I am reliably informed by women around the court, wouldn't be worth
mentioning even if it could be. If you put on a floppy hat and a furry
cod-piece you might just get by as a fool, but, since you wouldn't know a
joke if it got up and gave you a hair-cut, I doubt it. That is why you're

P: Oh I see.

EBA: And as for you Baldric...

B: Yes my lord ?

EBA: You're out too.

B: Fair enough.

Narrator: So Edmund spurned his friends and began his quest for glory.

{Scene : EBA on horse led by Baldric to castle gates}

EBA: Well, I expect you'll go back to shovelling dung in the gutter where I
found you ?

B: Nah, shouldn't think so.

EBA: No ?

B: No. It took me years to get that job, I'll probably be back milking pigs
or mucking out the leppers.

EBA: Really ?

B: Yeah, it'll be years before I get back to shovelling dung again.

{Edmund rides away. Baldric watches wiping a dew drop from his nose}

Caption : 100 yrds later

{Edmund nearly runs over an old man}

EBA: Get out of my way.

Old Man: Going on a journey my lord ?

EBA: No, I thought I'd stand here all day and talk to you.

OM: You'll be needing someone to tend your horse then ?

EBA: No and even if I did I wouldn't take you. I mean look at you. What is
your profession ?

{The Old man removes two handkerchiefs from his tunic and proceeds to
dance waving them about}

EBA: Oh my God a retired Morris Dancer, thats all I need. Well if you can keep
up you can come.

Caption: Thus did Edmund set forth into England ...

{Edmund mounted on black horse galloping across the countryside.}

Caption: ... with his rather irritating old servant.

{ The Old Man gallops past at about twice the speed of Edmund, mounted on
a donkey}

Caption: And so the Black Adder scoured the land to search out the six
other Most Evil Men in the kingdom.

{ An English country road through a wood. A lone rider approaches Edmund
and the Old Man who sit, waiting, in a clearing. Three black hooded riders
ambush the lone rider before he reaches the clearing}

Caption: Sir Wilfred Death.

EBA (retreating into the wood) : Oh my God an ambush!

Ambusher #1 (In an Irish accent): Sir Wilfred Death, your tyranny is now at
an end. Prepare to be hung by your codlings from that tree.

{ He points his sword towards a nearby tree}

Sir Wilfred Death: Never!

{ Edmund and the Old Man watch a melee from behind some trees, sounds of a
conflict ring out for about six seconds. Pan back to ambush site where Sir
Wilfred Death is walking away from the tree where the three riders hang,
groaning, upside down, strung by their codlings. Edmund approaches

EBA: Sir Wilfred Death.

WD: Edmund.

{They shake hands.}

EBA: I'm looking for some men to take over the kingdom.

WD: How many have you got so far ?

{Edmund holds up one finger. Wilfred replies with the reversed victory
sign invented by British archers at Agincourt to signify that they hadn't
been taken prisoner by the French, now commonly used as a visual

Caption: Three-Fingered Pete.

{ Two archers standing at the edge of the woods }

Three-Fingered Pete: So we are agreed. He who wins takes the horse

{He indicates to a nearby steed}

Both : Aye.

TFP: There is our mark. {Indicates an archery target} You shoot first.

{ The other bowman nocks an arrow and shoots hitting the target squarely
in the centre}

TFP: Thats good... so good in fact.... I'm going to have to ...

{ Three-Fingered Pete shoots the other archer dead}

TFP: ...cheat.

{Edmund and Wilfred have been watching in the distance}

EBA (Shouting): Three-Fingered Pete !

{Edmund and Wilfred approach. In close up Edmund holds three fingers aloft}

Caption: Guy de Glastonbury

{A carriage travels through the countryside, it is stopped by a lone
rider, Guy de Glastonbury}

Guy de Glastonbury: Good evening... and surrender. Your money or your life.

Merchant on carriage: Here take it {He gives Guy a purse} It's all the
money I have.

GdG: Thank you.

Merchant: Now let me pass.

GdG (Aside): Damn ! (To the merchant) I'm always doing this. Did I say
"Your money or your life" ?

Merchant: You did.

GdG: Sorry, slip of the tongue, your money and your life.

{Guy shoots the merchant with a single-handed crossbow}

GdG: Sorry.

{He walks his horse to the front of the carriage}

GdG (To Driver): Thanks Ned. See you Thursday.

{The driver waves as Guy trots away to where Edmund, Wilfred and Pete
await him}

WD: Guy.

GdG: Wilfred.

WD: Now what we need... is a real bastard.

TFP: Sean, the Irish Bastard.

{ A dark street in a town, a merchant walks nervously along it, glancing
behind him periodically. A shadowy figure follows him dodging in and out
of doorways so as to avoid being seen. The shadowy figure accidentally
stabs a house with his dagger.
 Two blind beggars stand to one side of the street with their begging
bowls. }

Beggar #1 [Kane]: Pity the blind kind sir.

{The merchant walks past ignoring the beggars. The shadowy figure, Sean,
the Irish Bastard scabbards his dagger and approaches the beggars
stealthily. Carefully Sean steals the content of the begging bowls and
slips back into the shadows}

Caption: Sean, the Irish Bastard.

Beggar #2 [Abel]: 'ere. Business is quiet this morning.

Kane: Aye, everyones gone to lunch I think.

{Wilfred, Edmund et al. block Seans escape up a stairway}

WD: Sean.

{ The five sit on horses atop a hill, Each member of the group is pictured
holding five fingers aloft. Edmund, Guy de Glastonbury, Sean the Irish
Bastard, Sir Wilfred Death, finally Three-Fingered Pete holds up three

{ A forest clearing. A monk, a farmer and a young girl stand with some

Farmer: Friar, I fear greatly for her chastity.

Friar Bellows: Alas, such is the way of the world. The sweetest rose too
often is... {He looks longingly at the girl} ... plucked too soon.

Caption: Friar Bellows.

Farmer: Yes... I wondered if you would take her while I'm gone ?

{ Friar Bellows takes another longing look at the girl}

FB: Yes. The answer is yes.

{Yet another lustful look}

FB (almost sinisterly): I shall.....

{ Behind some bushes the Friar and girl are lying with her dress around
her waist and the friar between her legs. The five watch with some

WD: Friar Bellows ?

{Sean, the Irish Bastard removes a cork from a bottle [FX of cork popping]}

WD: Doing the Lords work ?

FB: I was just ministering extreme unction.

{The rest laugh}

{ The six ride across the top of a rise}

EBA: Who shall be our seventh ? Wilfred ?

WD: Why, need I say more ? Jack

{[FX Deathly chord] The other five look worried}

GdG: Not mad bully-boy Jack, the grave robbing assassin of Aldwich ?

WD: No.

TFP: Then crazed animal Jack, the cattle rustling canibal from
Sutton-Coalfield ?

WD: Ha ha... no.

StIB: Then your mans sane Jack O'Hooligan the man-hating goat-murderer of
Dingle Bay.

WD: No.

FB: Surely not Canon Jack Smollett senior arch-deacon of the Diosces of St
Bothar, the entrail-eating heretic of Bath and Wells ?

WD: No. I'm talking of unspeakably violent Jack, the bull-buggering
beast-killer of no-fixed-abode.

{[An even deathlier chord] All look even more worried}

EBA: Are you sure he's the sort of chap we're looking for ?

WD: Yes, {He point down the hill} and here he comes.

{ A giant is walking up the hill towards them}

Caption: Jack Large.

{ A dwarf appears from behind the giant hitting at his legs. The giant
weathers this for a short while before picking the little fellow up to

Giant: What do you think you're doing ?

WD (Shouting from the hill): Are you with us Jack ?

Dwarf (Shouting back to Wilfred): Aye.

{The dwarf butts the giant knocking him cold and both fall to the ground}

{Edmund holds up seven fingers, he is giggling in the manner only he can}

{The six Most Evil Men are pictured around a central picture of Edmund
riding. Edmund falls off his horse into the snow}

{ The Old Man is sitting with seven horses and his donkey outside a pub. }

Jack Large (From inside the pub): ... so I kissed her on the left buttock.

{Drunken laughter issues from the pub. Inside the seven are seated around a
table covered with empty goblets and spilled wine and food. }

EBA (To Jack): So, tell me Jack what is your second name ?

JL: Large, Jack Large.

EBA (amused): Ha. Then in our band you shall be known as "Large Jack".

{Jack spits out his mouthful of beer and looks accusingly at Edmund}

JL: Why?

EBA (nervously): Well... because you are so little.

JL: Why not "Little Jack" then ?

EBA: Well, because "Large Jack" is more amusing.

Others: Is it?

EBA: Very well then "Little Jack".

{All rise weapons pointed at Edmund in a threatening manner}

JL: You wish to mock my size ?

EBA: No no no no no, no of course not.... erm... Innkeeper some more beer!
Six large beers...

[Cheers from Wilfred and co.]
{ He looks to Jack who is staring menacingly at him}

EBA: ... and another large beer.

[All cheer]

EBA: Let us then go on to the plan.

Others: The plan, the plan......

FB: But first a motto for our enterprise. "Blessed are the meek, for they
shall be slaughtered"

{The others rise, weapons drawn and make for the door cheering}

EBA: Wait you've forgotten the plan.

TFP: I thought that was the plan.

StIB: Lets get those meek bastards, now.

[All cheer]


WD: Who wants quiet ? I want chaos!!!

[All cheer again]

JL: And slaughter !!!

[More cheers]

TFP And flowers !!!!

Others: Yeah... huh?

TFP: Mercilessly crushed under-foot.


FB: Silence.

All (returning to their seats): Silence, ssshhh, silence.....

GdG: Silence, for the word of the Lord.

FB: For Christs sake lets hear the plan.

All: The plan, the plan....

EBA: Very well, the plan is simple.

WD (still carried away with the camaraderie): I thought it was cunning.

ALL: Down with the plan.

EBA: Well..... it's cunning in its simplicity. Tonight, I ride for home...

WD: I say strike now while the iron is hot.

EBA: But it isn't hot.

WD: Isn't it?

EBA: No it's just warming up, but, when it is hot, we will strike.

StIB: What ? Are we going to have to wait till summer ?

EBA: No, no when the iron is hot.

TFP: What iron?

EBA: Never mind, we are all agreed. I shall send for you all.

FB: How ?

EBA: Well... by a message, a sign.

GdG: What sort of sign ?

EBA: Well, something black probably.

JL: Black pudding ?

EBA: Not quite.

TFP: A messenger... with the Black Death perhaps ?

EBA: Yes, thats better.

FB: He means to kill us !

{All rise to attack Edmund again}

EBA: No, no, I mean a messenger with black.... hair.

WD: Ahhhh, a black-headed messenger.

All: Aye.

EBA: And when he comes to you, drop whatever you are doing and speed with
all haste to Jaspers tavern.

StIB: Ah, I know it well. How is old Jasper these days ?

TFP: Dead.

JL: How?

FB: I killed him.

[Cheers again]

EBA: From there I shall take you to the castle where we shall capture the
King, and the Queen and the Prince.

[More cheers]

EBA: and then I will say to them {He rises} "The kingdom of Albion is
ours, you are doomed to lives of exile. Get out!"

TFP: Exile?

EBA (Proudly): Yeeesss, exile. For life.

GdG: Why don't we just... kill them ?

EBA (upset): Well, I suppose we could kill them.

{All rise and make for the door shouting "Kill them"}

EBA: Wait till I sen the sign.

StIB: If I get a messenger with black-heads all over him, I'll kill the
ugly bastard.

WD {with dagger to Edmunds throat}: How do we know it isn't a trap ?

EBA: Because the Black Adder gives you his word.

WD:We want your word not this Black Adder fellows.

EBA (hurt): But I am the Black Adder.

WD: Oh I see.

EBA: And when all is done, the Black Seal shall rule England.


EBA {Climbing onto the table}: We few, we happy few, we band of ruthless


EBA: All for one....

Others: And each man for himself.

{They leave, cheering.}

{A woodland clearing at night, Edmund and the Old Man sit around a camp fire
near their steeds. Both are laughing}

OM: You're in a merry mood my lord.

EBA: Tes. No-one can stop me now.

OM: No-one ?

EBA: No no-one.... except perhaps.... no not even him.

OM: And who might that be my lord ?

EBA: Well there was a man, Philip of Bergundy, known to his enemies as,
"The Hawk". We were deadly childhood rivals, although,of course, in
those days he was known as "The Thrush", but no-ones heard of him for
        Well, come on, lets go we've got work to do.

OM (From out of shot)[His voice has deepened and is more booming]: Not so
fast Edinburgh. This "Hawk" did he look something like this ?

{ The old man transforms into a much larger man}

EBA: Erm... no, not really.

{Philip of Bergundy removes his false eye-brows}

EBA: Oh my God, Philip of Bergundy.

Philip of Bergundy: Known to my enemies as...

{He dons a peaked cap with a feather in it}

PoB: ..."The Hawk"

EBA: ...but your horse used to be a huge brown....

{Huge Brown horse enters shot}

EBA: Oh yes, thats the one. Well its been very good to see you... erm ...

[Edmund makes to leave. Phillip of Bergundy steps on the toes of one of his

PoB: This time not fast enough.

EBA: What do you want with me ?

PoB: I'll tell you later

{He hits Edmund on the head with a hammer}

[Manic Laughter]

{ A dungeon. Phillip forces Edmund into the cell}

PoB: I return at last after fifteen years.

EBA: And what have you been up to ?

PoB: Waiting, plotting, nurturing my hatred and planning my revenge.

EBA: Ah, so you've kept yourself busy.

PoB: Yes, fifteen years of living in France teaches a man to hate. Fifteen
years of wearing perfume, fifteen years of eating frogs, fifteen years of
saying "Pardon" and all because of you.

EBA: But surely the scenery.

PoB: I never went outside.I couldn't stand the smell.

EBA: What has all this got to do with me ?

PoB: Because Edmund its going to take you fifteen years... to die!

EBA: Fifteen years ?

PoB: Yes.

EBA: How ?

PoB: I think it would be more amusing if you found out for yourself. Let
us just say that it has something to do with snails.

{He opens a panel in the wall to reveal several snails and then starts to
leave the cell}

EBA: Oh my God, where are you going ?

PoB: Why to kill the royal family and claim the throne that isn't mine by

{He exits ... later Edmund is still in the cell}

EBA: Dear Lord, who made all the birds and the bees, and the snails,
presumably, please help me, a little animal in my dispair. I have been a
sinner but from now on I intend to follow the path of the Saints,
particularly the very religious ones. In the name of the Father, the Son
and of the Holy Ghost, Amen.

Voice (from aside): Amen.

EBA: What?

Voice: Amen I said. I'm sorry did I get it wrong? {A scruffy prisoner
approaches Edmund} I haven't heard that word in twenty years you see.

EBA: Who are you? I didn't realise I had company.

Prisoner: Oh "company", I haven't heard that word for twenty years either,
or "realise", I'd completely forgotten. "Realise".

EBA: Oh no, you're not mad are you ?

Mad Gerald: Yes I'm very mad thank you. Maaad. Thats a word I know. I say
that every day. I say, "Good morning Mad Gerald, how are you today ?", and
then I say, "I'm completely mad today thank you", and then I say, "Oh so
there's not much change there then is there Gerald?", and I say, "No, well
you'd be mad to expect any wouldn't you?", then I say, "But I am mad. I'm
Mad Gerald....".

EBA (cutting in): QUIET. Sh

MG: Ssshhh

EBA: Look this may seem a stupid question...

MG: Question yes.

EBA: ... but you wouldn't know if there's a way out of here would you?

MG: A way out. Ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ..... {He continues}

Caption: 12 Months Later.

{Edmund is sitting next to a skeleton, Mad Gerald is still laughing in the
distance getting nearer}

MG: .... Ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha. "A way out" you say? I haven't
heard those words "A way out" for..... ooh.

EBA (In a tired voice): Twenty years ?

MG: Yes twenty years. Not like "Mr Rat". I'm always saying "Mr Rat".

EBA (absently): Who ?

MG: Mr Rat. I say "Good morning Mr Rat, how are you today" and he'll say
{pressing his nose} "meep meep meep".

{Gerald looks around for something to occupy him}

MG: Ah ha ha ha ha. Ah ha ha ha ha....

{Time passes. Edmund and Gerald are sitting on the floor of the cell}

MG: No you mustn't be rude about Mr Rat, he's my friend. Well, there's him
{points to rat} and there's Mr Key.

EBA: What?

MG: Mr Key {produces a key from his tunic}, I made him from my own teeth.
Good morning Mr Key.

{Edmund grabs the key from Mad Gerald and runs to the door. As he's
leaving Mad Gerald shouts from inside}

MG: Well close the bloody door!

{Edmund stops a cart driving along the road outside}

EBA: Stop, stop, where are you going ?

Cart Driver: I'll tell you where, wherever I can sell these six black
carrier pigeons I've got in the back, that's where.

EBA: Six black homing pigeons ?

CD: Well, mostly.

EBA: How much are they?

CD: Six shillings.

EBA (checking his pockets): Oh damn.

CD: But, I suppose, if you beat me and gagged me and tied me to that tree
you could have 'em for less.

EBA: Right.

{Edmund leaves the cart driver tied to the tree, gagged and steals the
cart. Edmund rides back to the castle where he releases the pigeons to
find the Black Seal members. Each member receives the message and drops
whatever he is doing.}

{Inside the castle}

PoB: By the striking of ten bells I shall claim the throne.

{One by one the six other Black Seal members appear threatening Phillip o
Bergundy and blocking any chances of his escape. There is a banging noise
from one of the corridor doors.}

PoB: Gentlemen, to whom do I owe this pleasure ?

{Edmund burst in unceremoniously, nearly tripping in the process}

EBA: To me Bergundy!

PoB: Edmund, I hadn't expected to see you again.

EBA: No. Dead men don't make social calls do they ? Prepare to die.

PoB: Wait. Let me say just one thing.

EBA: Which is.

PoB: If these men are what they seem to be, the six most evil men in the

EBA: Yes they are. Your last sentence please.

PoB: Then they've made a pretty damned peculiar choice for their leader,
haven't they my lord Warden of the Privvies.

EBA: What ?! You think they should have chosen you, Thrush ?

{The six laugh}

EBA: A man twisted by unbridled ambition ?

Six: Huh ?

EBA: A man haunted by insatiable greed ?

Six: Really ?

EBA: The most evil man in the world, you think they should have chosen you?

Six + PoB: Yes!

{They change position so that Edmund is now encircled by the Black Seal}

EBA: But he's a mindless killer.


EBA: He'll destroy the kingdom.


EBA: He murdered his own parents.

TFP: Well, who didn't. I certainly killed mine.

WD: And I killed mine.

FB (To Sean the Irish Bastard): And I killed yours.

StIB: Did yer ?

FB: Yes.

StIB: Good on yer father.

PoB: Are you with me then?

Six: Yes!

PoB (To Edmund): Prepare to die.

{They ready themselves to kill Edmund}

PoB: Wait. I have a more amusing method.

EBA: Amusing for whom I wonder.

PoB: Gentlemen.

{He uncovers a torture chair, the Black Seal applaud appreciatively}

{Edmund is placed in the chair}

PoB: In precisely one minute, the spike will go up your nethers

{He indicates a large spike below the seat}

PoB: The shears will cut off your ears.

{He toys with one of Edmunds ears that is between two blades of a pair of
shears on the chair}

EBA: Both of them ?

PoB: Yes. Then these axes will chop off your hands and I do not think we
need to go into the attributes of... the coddling grinder.

{He indicates a rotating set of blades between Edmunds thighs}

PoB: Then these feathers will tickle you under whats left of your arms and
that is the amusing part.
        Gentlemen, let us go and slaughter the Royal Family. God Save the

Six: Cos nobody else will.

{They leave. Outside the room they approach two serving maids (One of whom
has a beard...). The maids have trays with goblets of wine on them.}

PoB: Stop. First let us relieve these wenches of their delightful burden
and drink a toast to our enterprise. May good thrive...

Six: Over our dead bodies.

{ They each drink a goblet full of wine then walk off. About five yards
down the corridor they all grab their heads, fall over, lie still for a
few seconds before their legs jerk and they lie still again.
        Sean the Irish Bastard gets up and walks back to the maids}

StIB: It's got a bit of a sting in its tail.

{ He takes the last goblet, drinks it, walks off, grabs his head, falls
over, lies still, twitches and finally dies.
        The serving wenches remove their hoods to reveal that they are in
fact Percy and Baldric. They leap in the air cheering}

Percy and Baldric: Hooray.

{ In the distance we hear Edmund}

EBA: Aaaargghh. Woooaaarrggh. Eeeek. Nya ha ha.

{ Scene: The court are assembled around Edmunds death bed. King Richard
the Fourth, the Queen and Prince Harry stand at Edmunds bedside. Edmund is
heavily bandaged and shows signs of bleeding from the ears ,fore-head and

Queen (Softly): Oh Edmund, Edmund.

Harry (Slightly louder): Edmund ?

King Richard (In his usual manner): EDMUND!!!!!!

{Edmunds eyes open}

KR: He lives !

{The court cheers. There is a flash of Percy and Baldric sitting talking
in another chamber}

EBA: Father, you called me Edmund.

KR: Oh... Sorry, Edgar, how are you ?

EBA: Not so well. Harry what do you think my chances are ?

H: Oh good, good.

Q: He'll live ?

H: Oh no sorry, I thought you meant your chances of going to heaven.

EBA (Wearily): Oh damn.

KR: Never mind my son, your body may be mutilated beyond recognition but
your spirit will live forever. (To the court) My Lords...

}{Another flash to Percy and Baldric}
}Baldric: What did you say ?

KR: I give you Edgar.

}{Another flash. Percy and Baldric are running panicking towards the court}
}B: I told you to poison the Black Seals goblets not the whole batch!

The Court: Edgar.

{Edmund taps his fathers leg. Richard bends to listen to his son}

KR: What is it ?

{Edmund whispers to him}

KR (Holding his goblet aloft): The Black Dagger.

Court: The Black Dagger.

{Everyone drinks}

EBA (Quietly): Adder.

KR: May his name last as long as our dynasty.

{All the members of the court grab their heads in unison. They all fall to
the ground and lie still. After a short time they all twitch, then they
are still again.}

EBA: Good Lord.

}{Percy and Baldric are still running}

EBA: I wonder if it was the wine.

{He lifts his goblet to his lips and takes a sip.}

EBA: No, seems perfectly alright to me. And now at last I shall be k.....

{He grabs his head with his stumps, lies still, twitches and lies still

        So now the way of sin is paved,
        The blade has got the Black Seal graved. [Pronounced grave-ed]
        The only sound across the glade,
        Is Edmund pushing up the daisies.

        Black Adder, Black Adder,
        A shame about the plan.
        Black Adder, Black Adder,
        Farewell you horrid man.

Cast in order of disappearance:

Murdered Lord:            John Carlisle.
Cain, a blind beggar:     Bert Parnaby.
Abel, a blind beggar:     Roy Evans.
Trusting Father:                Forbes Collins.
Person of unrestricted growth:
                                Des Webb.
Old Man:                        John Barrard.
Mad Gerald:                     Himself.                [Actually Rik Mayall]
Pigeon Vendor:           Perry Bevon.
Friar Bellows:            Paul Brooke.
Jack Large:                     Big Mick.
Three-Fingered Pete:      Roger Slomon.
Guy de Glastonbury:       Patrick Malahide.
Sir Wilfred Death:        John Hallam.
The Hawk:                       Patrick Allen.
Sean the Irish Bastard:   Ron Cook.
Harry:                    Robert East
Queen:                    Elsbeth Gray.
Richard, IV:              Brian Blessed.
The Black Adder:                Rowan Atkinson.
Baldric:                        Tony Robinson.
Percy:                    Tim McInnery.

Song by Howard Goodall                          [Note: Not Phillip Pope]

BlackAdder I, Episode 5 Witchsmeller Pursuivant

The Black Adder I, Episode 5

Witchsmeller Pursuivant


(in a cottage, four people are eating supper. [If anyone recognises the
 actresses, please let us know which woman speaking is Mrs. Field and
 which is Mrs. Tyler -- check the cast list for actress names])

Woman 1: What about this plague, then? Rumours from the North say it's
         worse there than ever.

Piers: No, no... Now that we've found out about the rats, we'll never have
       plague again.

Woman 2: You know what they're saying: "A rat a day keeps the plague away!"

Piers: Believe me, madam: There'll be no more plague in our lifetime.

Woman 1: Well, I hope you're right.  (She stands and walks to get a bowl.)

        (The three left at the table suddenly die. Woman 1 turns around and
         screams. `The Black Adder' logo comes out of her mouth as the opening
         theme begins.)

Caption: By the autumn of the Year of Our Lord, 1495, the Black Plague once
         again howled westwards across Europe from the Indies, carried by
         seamen and entering England by the South West Passage. Each day,
         thousands died. Village after village disappeared in its evil wake,
         and not even the best and noblest escaped its horror.

(in a corridor in the castle, Prince Edmund, Duke of Edinburgh and his squire,
 Baldrick, are fiddling with a royal portrait while Lord Percy guards the
 corridor. Percy, however, turns his head round to see what Edmund is doing,
 and, at that moment, Edmund's older brother, Prince Harry, walks up.)

Harry: Ah, Edmund, I'm glad I've caught you.

Edmund: (hiding the portrait behind his back) Er, doing what?

Harry: I'm afraid Father's feeling a bit under the weather.

Edmund: (a bit excited at the possibility of being closer to the throne)
        Oh dear! Any idea what?

Harry: Not sure -- I think it's probably Black Death. Nevertheless, I am sure
       that he'd appreciate a little visit from you...

Edmund: Oh. Well, I'm sure I can pop my head round the door...

Harry: ...sort of nowish.

(later, Edmund approaches the door to the throne room; the Queen is outside
 the door)

Edmund: Mother, would you like to...?

Queen: Oh, no, dear -- he won't let me near him.

        (Edmund opens the door to find the King with his sword raised. Edmund
         shuts the door and steps aside as the King's sword pokes through the

Queen: How is he?

Edmund: Well, he's up.

(in meeting room, Harry is holding a council with various lords. [Again,
 anyone who knows the actors and can tell us which speaker is Lord Ross
 and which is Lord Fife, please help])

Harry: My Lords of the Council, we face today the gravest crisis this country
       has known since the Roman invasion.

All: Hear hear!

        (an officer enters, carrying a helmet)

Harry: Therefore, I propose--

Officer: Your Highness, the King has stirred and calls for you.

Harry: Ah. (swallows nervously) Very well. (removes his hat; stands) Gentlemen,
       I must leave you. (takes the helmet from Officer and draws his sword,
       preparing to meet the deranged King) Prince Edmund is in charge!

        (Percy begins to bang on the table in approval, but all the lords
         mutter "Oh shame..." so he stops. Harry and Officer leave. Baldrick
         brings Harry's notes to Edmund.)

Edmund: Er, yes, right. Gentlemen, right... (reads from Harry's notes) As you
        know, today we face the gravest crisis this country has known since
        the Roman invasion.

        (They all make sounds of protest: "Nonsense!"; "Rubbish!"; etc.)

Lord 1: What about the Viking invasion?

Lord 2: ...and the Norman invasion?

Angus: ...and the Swiss invasion?

Edmund: Er, well, the greatest crisis for some time.

Lord 2: And we all know why!

Edmund: Why?

Angus: Because the King is possessed!

Edmund: What?!

Lord 2: True! True! The land is full of omens of bewitchment. Only last week
        in Cornwall, a man with four heads was seen taking tea on the beach;
        and two women in Windsor claimed to have been raped by a fish!

Lord 1: I, too, have heard such tales. In (Harrigate?), it rained phlegm; and
        they do say that, in Edinburgh, the graves did open and the ghosts of
        our ancestors rose up and competed in athletic sports!

Percy: ...and a friend of mine had this awful pimple on the inside of his

Edmund: Percy, shut up, for God's sake.

        (There are mutters of "Witchcraft!")

Angus: ...and a farmer in (Rye?) heard a cow reciting Geoffrey Chaucer; and
       a young woman in Shropshire saw Geoffrey Chaucer in a field, mooing
       and suckling a young heifer!

Edmund: Gentlemen, gentlemen, surely we aren't the sort of people who believe
        in this sort of thing. I mean, next you'll be telling me is
        that washing your hair in bat's droppings stops you going bald.

Lord 2: But it's true! I couldn't find enough bats, and look what happened!
        (removes his hat to show his baldness)

Angus: I move that we do the only thing we can do to remove this curse from
       the kingdom.

Edmund: Ah, well, that sounds like the answer, doesn't it!

Lord 1: Send for the Witchsmeller Pursuivant!

        (They all agree, and stand up. Edmund's protests are not heard.)

Lord 2: Call for the (??)

Angus: The Prince of Wales must be informed!

        (They begin to walk out. Edmund's calls of "No, wait!" are ignored.
         Percy starts to walk out with them.)

Edmund: Percy, PERCY!

Percy: What?

Edmund: What the devil do you think you're doing?

Percy: Look, look, I just can't take the pressure of all these omens anymore!

Edmund: Percy...

Percy: No, no, really, I'm serious. Only this morning in the courtyard,
       I saw a horse with two heads and two bodies!

Edmund: Two horses standing next to each other?

Percy: Yes, I suppose it could have been.

Edmund: Honestly, Percy, I bet you're just the sort of person who thinks that
        sticking your finger up a sheep's bottom on Good Friday will make you

Baldrick: That's rubbish!

Edmund: Quite, really.

Baldrick: It's Easter Monday.

Edmund: Yes, remind me not to shake your hand during a religious festival,
        Baldrick. I don't believe it; I mean, who is this Witchsmeller
        Pursuivant, anyway?

Baldrick: I don't know, My Lord, but Mistress Scott would.

Edmund: Ah yes; the old crone with a cat...

Percy: Oh yes, the cat! Lovely. Oh, but she lives in the village!

Edmund: So?

Percy: Everyone's dying of the plague!

Edmund: Oh, yes, that's what they claim, those peasants! Any excuse to get
        off a decent day's work...

(outside of the castle gate; Edmund, Percy and Baldrick enter the village.
 Corpses are strewn about the streets, and moans and cries are heard.
 [Again, those who can tell us which peasant is Cain and which is Abel, and
 which is Ned and which is Jack, please do. Cain and Abel will be numbered
 the same way they were in the transcription of "The Archbishop."])

Edmund: (stepping over some of the corpses) I mean, obviously, there are some
        genuine cases...

        (Percy trips over a corpse and falls to the ground; Edmund and
         Baldrick continue walking.)

Villager 1: Good morning, Prince Edmund.

Edmund: 'morning, peasant!

Villager 2: 'morning, Prince Edmund.

Edmund: 'morning, peasant!

Villager 3: (speaking from atop a heap of corpses in a carriage)
            'morning, Prince Edmund.

Edmund: 'morning, peasant!

        (Villager 3 dies)

Baldrick: My Lord, shouldn't you disguise yourself?

Edmund: Hmm?

Baldrick: Well, I mean: we don't want someone with a grudge coming up and
          infecting you on purpose.

Edmund: Ah, yes, you're right.

        (Edmund walks through a clothesline. He emerges wearing a bit of
         cloth with a thin part running diagonally across his face, not hiding
         his features at all; the rest flowing behind him.)

Villager 4: 'morning, stranger.

Edmund: 'morning, friend!

Peasant 3 [Ned or Jack]: 'morning, stranger.

Edmund: 'morning, friend!

Peasant 3: (to his companion, [Cain or Abel]) Who is that dark stranger?

Peasant 1 [Cain or Abel]: Oh, that'll be Prince Edmund.

Percy: This way, My Lord. (he puts his cape down over a patch of manure)

Edmund: Yes. (avoids walking on Percy's cape; walks around it)

        (A crier steps out of a building, ringing a hand bell.)

Crier: Bring out your dea-- (he dies)

Edmund: (to an adolescent boy peasant) You, where's Mistress Scott?

Peasant 4 [Ned or Jack]: You just passed her. (points to a charred stake
                         in the ground)

Edmund: Oh my God! (sees Percy kneeling on the ground, holding some small
        bones he picked up from near a tiny stake in the ground) And what's

Percy: The, er, cat, My Lord.

Edmund: (calls) Does anyone know what happened?

Peasant 2 [Cain or Abel]: (raises his arm) No, I don't!

Peasant 4: Me neither. I was right on the other side of town when we burned

        (Peasant 2 hits Peasant 4 in the back of the head.)

Peasant 2: Shh!

Edmund: You burned her? Why?

Peasant 2: (trying to act baffled) I don't know.

Peasant 4: Well, it was because she was a witch, wasn't it?

Peasant 2: Shh!

        (Peasant 2 hits Peasant 4 in the back of the head.)

Edmund: You burned Mistress Scott for being a witch? Why?

        (Peasant 1 and Peasant 3 arrive.)

Peasant 4: Can't say -- it's a secret.

Edmund: A secret? (puts his hands on his hips) Do you know who I am?

Peasant 2: A stranger.

Edmund: Oh yes, that's right. Well, tell me anyway.

Peasant 2: No, no! We can't! And I'll tell you why: because if you'd been part
           of a secret committee to invite the Witchsmeller Pursuivant into
           town, and he'd already burnt four of your best friends, would you
           go telling everyone?

Edmund: No, I suppose I wouldn't. So, is it the Witchsmeller Pursuivant who
        burned her?

Peasant 3: He's guessed!

Peasant 1: He's clever.

Baldrick: They don't call him Clever Jake for nothing, you know.

Edmund: Well, they don't call me Clever Ja-- oh, I see. So what does this
        Witchsmeller man look like?

Peasant 1: No-one knows, My Lord -- no-one!

        (a dark hooded figure with glowing red eyes filters in as Peasant 3

Peasant 3: He's a master of disguise, and he mostly appears only at night.
           (to the hooded figure) That's right, isn't it!

Witchsmeller: (for it is he) I believe so. (goes to behind Edmund)

Edmund: Ah, right, so he won't be around, now. (Witchsmeller has removed his
        hood) Well, let me tell you something: If this so-called Witchsmeller
        burnt Mistress Scott--

Percy: ...and her pussycat...

Edmund: ...and her pu-- be quiet, Percy. ...then there's something wrong
        with his nose. And I should know: they don't call me Clever Pete for

Baldrick: (muttering) Jake, My Lord.

Edmund: What about him?

Baldrick: Clever *Jake*, My Lord.

Edmund: Where?

Baldrick: You are Clever Jake, My Lord.

Edmund: Oh yes. (??) They don't call me Clever Pete at all! They call me
        Clever Jake. And if I were you, and I'd asked the Witchsmeller into
        town, I'd kick the big-nosed bully straight out again! (to
        Witchsmeller) What do you say?

Witchsmeller: I think it's worth serious consideration.

Edmund: Well, exactly. Take Clever Tom's advice, and send him back to the
        madhouse he came from. Come on, boys. Put them down, Percy. (hits
        Percy's hand, causing cat bones to fly everywhere; this upsets Percy)
        Come on. Mistress Scott is obviously in no state to help us today.

        (Witchsmeller grins as Edmund and company leave)

(in courtroom)

Witchsmeller: (has his hands crossed; one hand has `EVIL' written on the
              fingers; the other hand has `GOOD' written on the fingers)
              I have two functions: to protect the good (turns up and opens
              the `GOOD' hand, revealing a white egg), and to crush the evil.
              (turns up and opens the `EVIL' hand, revealing a brown egg)
              Watch! (he squeezes the eggs; both of them break)

Harry: Fascinating! Absolutely fascinating! Erm, actually, you have crushed
       both eggs, you know.

Witchsmeller: Some that seem good sometimes proveth to be evil.
              (he holds up the remains of the evil egg)

        (Baldrick enters)

Baldrick: My lords; The Duke of Edinburgh.

        (Edmund and Percy enter)

Harry: Ah, Edmund! Come on in, come on in. The Witchsmeller's arrived.

Edmund: Oh yes? Old Bignose is back, is he?

        (Witchsmeller turns, recognising Edmund's voice. They both realise
         that they were the ones in the village. Edmund is very surprised.)

Edmund: Oh, hello... I'm delighted to meet you. Why, I'm one of your greatest

Witchsmeller: "Old Bignose is back"??

Edmund: Yes. (points down the hall) Old Bignose is back. He's in a terrible
        state. I was talking to him just now. He's a great admirer of yours
        as well.

Percy: Who's this?

Edmund: Er (motions down the hall again), Old Bignose... (Percy just is
        confused; Edmund speaks again to Witchsmeller) In fact, I was (??)
        hearing about your work in (Taunton?). Imagine that -- every single
        person in the village having an affair with the same duck.

Witchsmeller: The Duck of Taunton was a tragic circumstance.

Edmund: And I hear you very kindly burned our Mistress Scott for us.

Witchsmeller: Oh yes. (turns to Percy) And her pussycat.

Edmund: Ah, but have you found the chief witch yet?

Witchsmeller: I feel I may be very close.

Edmund: Ooh, get the kindling ready! Make sure that stake is well done!

Harry: Witchsmeller, my dear, if you do happen to come across someone who's
       a bit -- you know, um -- witchy, how do you prove him guilty?

Witchsmeller: By trial or by ordeal.

Edmund: Ah, the ordeal by water...

Witchsmeller: No, by axe.

Edmund: (suspecting something like that) Oh!

Witchsmeller: The suspected witch has his head placed upon a block (he pushes
              Edmund's neck with his sword), and an axe aimed at his neck. If
              the man is guilty, the axe will bounce off his neck (he bounces
              his sword against Edmund's neck), so we burn him; if he is not
              guilty, the axe will simply slice his head off (he slices his
              sword down; Edmund stands up straight just in time).

Edmund: What a very fair test that is.

Witchsmeller: Would you like to take a less violent test yourself, Your
              Highness, by way of *demon*stration? (he has brought forth
              a small table)

Edmund: How much less violent?

Witchsmeller: I place before the suspect a dagger and crucifix... (he does so)

Harry: Oh, how interesting!

Witchsmeller: The suspect is blindfolded, and if he picks up the dagger from
              the table, he is Satan's bedfellow.

Harry: Yes, Edmund, I think you should do it, eh? At least take yourself out
       of the running, wot!

Lord 2: I haven't seen your broomstick recently, Your Highness!

Harry: (to Lord 2) Oh, very good, (?)! Very good!

Edmund: I'm not so sure about all this, you know... (Witchsmeller puts a bag
        over his head)

Harry: Oh, come on!

        (Edmund takes one final look at the dagger and knife on the table,
         then replaces the bag.)

Witchsmeller: You will all notice how it has suddenly become much darker.
              (he points his sword to something behind everyone, causing them
              to turn; he switches the knife and crucifix positions)

Edmund: (reaches down confidently and picks up the dagger) There we are!

        (Everyone is shocked)

Lord 2: Prince Edmund's a witch!

Harry: How the devil did that happen?

        (Edmund removes the bag and sees what he is holding)

Witchsmeller: (now carrying a large cross) (??), My Lord, as I thought: This
              is the source of evil in your Kingdom. This is your witch.
              Behold; Lucifer's brother! B-b-bl-bl-b-b-BURN THE WITCH!

Edmund: Yes, er, I'm not quite sure I caught the first part of that...

Witchsmeller: (?????), My Lord, and you will know the truth.

Harry: If that's what you recommend.

Edmund: But, Harry, you can't let him do this!
        [Rowan Atkinson actually flubbed this line, saying `Henry'.]

Harry: He is very highly thought of, you know.

Edmund: But he's a quack!

Witchsmeller: What did you say?

Edmund: "Quack"! "Quack"! "Quack"!

Witchsmeller: You see, My Lord, how the Duck of Taunton lives within him!!!
              (throws duck feathers at Edmund)

Harry: Yes, I'm afraid so! Let him be tried tomorrow!

        (Edmund burbles futilely)

(Edmund's trial, in the castle)

Officer: Lords and Ladies of England, this court is summoned to adjudge the
         most heinous of all crimes, that of witchcraft.

        (The crowd screams; Woman 1 falls from her seat, onto the floor)

Officer: Further (???) this day, as the accused is a Prince of the Realm.
         Step forward, Edmund, Duke of Edinburgh.

        (The guards make Edmund stand and take his place; the crowd gasps)

Woman 2: Look at his hair!

Woman 1: His hair proves it!

Officer: Who will defend the accused...

        (Percy stands)

Officer: ...and thus condemn himself to certain burning at the stake as a
         partner in Satan if the accused is found guilty?

        (Percy sits, acting quite interested in his book and quill)

Baldrick: Lord Percy will defend His Royal Highness. (motions at Percy to

Percy: Oh, yes, yes, me, sorry, yes... Hello...

Witchsmeller: (arriving, carrying a Bible) Witch!

        (The crowd gasps)

Witchsmeller: Witch!!

        (The crowd gasps)

Witchsmeller: (now in front of Percy) WITCH!!!

        (The crowd cheers)

Woman 2: Look at his hair!

Woman 1: His hair proves it!

Witchsmeller: (to Harry) My Lord, will you force us to listen to the pleadings
              of a man who may be a witch himself?

        (The crowd gasps)

Harry: You know, you're absolutely right. Yes, well, that concludes the case
       for the defence. Thank you, Lord Percy. Let the prosecutor begin.

Witchsmeller: Prince Edmund, are you a Christian?

Edmund: Yes, of course I am.

Witchsmeller: Can you say the Lord's Prayer?

Edmund: Well, yes -- I can say it backwards if you like!

Witchsmeller: CONFESSION!

        (The crowd cheers)

Witchsmeller: Now, Edmund, I believe you have a pussycat...

Edmund: Yes.

Witchsmeller: Ohh!

        (The crowd `Ohh's)

Witchsmeller: Its name is Bubbles?

Edmund: Right.

Witchsmeller: Yes, or, to give it its full name, Beelzebubbles!!!

        (The crowd screams; Woman 1 falls off her seat, to the floor)

Witchsmeller: Do you deny that you were seen, on the Feast of St. Jacob the
              Turgid, speaking to this little cat Bubbles?

Edmund: Well, of course I deny it!

Witchsmeller: Ah, but the chambermaid Mary heard you say, and I quote, "Hello,
              little Bubbles, would you like some milk?"

Edmund: Well, I might have said *that*!

Witchsmeller: Ah!!!

        (The crowd `Ah's)

Witchsmeller: And what did you mean by it?

Edmund: Well, I meant, would the cat like some milk.

Witchsmeller: Milk? What did you mean by `milk'?

Edmund: I meant *milk*! Bloody *milk*!!!

Witchsmeller: BLOODY MILK!!! It was a mixture of milk and blood!

Edmund: No, no, just milk!

Witchsmeller: Ah, blood was to come later!

Edmund: (pleading) There wasn't any blood!


        (the crowd screams and cheers; Percy leans back in his chair, defeated)

Witchsmeller: I (??), My Lord. (??) you have a horse called Black Satin?

Edmund: Yes.

Witchsmeller: Yes, and do you confess than on the thirtieth day of
              (Norris time?) you did say to this horse Black Satin, and I
              quote, "Satin, would you like some carrots?"

Edmund: Well, I might have done -- he likes carrots.

Witchsmeller: Carrots?

Edmund: (suspicious of the question) Yes, carrots...

Witchsmeller: But, ladies and gentlemen, we all know that carrots are the
              Devil's favourite food!

Percy: (stands) No! No, we don't. If the Devil likes carrots, why isn't
       mentioned in the Bible, then? Why doesn't it say, "And He took the
       Lord up to the top of an high mountain and offered Him a carrot"?

Edmund: Yes, why isn't "Thou shalt not eat carrots" in the Ten Commandments?

Witchsmeller: IT IS!

        (The crowd cheers)

Witchsmeller: (opening his Bible) The Ten Commandments of (Jeremoth?), in the
              Appendix to the Apocrypha: "And the Lord said unto the children
              of (Bedinibott?), `Neither shalt thou eat the fruit of the tree
              that is known as the Carrot Tree'."

Baldrick: Carrots don't grow on trees!

Witchsmeller: Oh really? And how did you get to know so much about carrots,

        (The crowd laughs)

Witchsmeller: WITCH!

        (The crowd gasps)

Witchsmeller: (dramatically) My Lord, I call my first witness!

        (The crowd cheers)

(Later, the witness is on the stand. He is Edmund's horse, Black Satin.)

Witchsmeller: Now, Satin, just relax. You're among friends. Good. Now, tell
              me, in your own words: Did you, Satin, on certain nights last
              (Gareth's?) tide, indulge -- albeit, I accept, in all innocence
              -- infrenzied, naked, and obscene Satanic orgies with your
              master, known to you as the Great Grumbledook?

Edmund: What?

Witchsmeller: Silence, Grumbledook! Satin, you're not replying. (to Harry)
              He's not replying, My Lord. Are we to assume this horse has
              something to hide?

Edmund: Either that or he can't talk.

Witchsmeller: A likely story. Black Satin, known in the Hierarchy of Evil as
              Black Satin the Loquacious, are you or are you not the servant
              of Satan?

        (The crowd screams; Black Satin whinnies)

Harry: I'm sorry, I didn't quite catch that. Was that a yea or a nay?

Witchsmeller: It was a neigh, My Lord, but I don't believe a word of it.
              I call for a recess. He may think he (controls us?), but
              we have ways of making him talk!

        (The crowd cheers)

(Later, Edmund, Percy and Baldrick are in a cell. The Queen is outside of it.)

Queen: Well, I suppose this is what comes of being a witch.

Edmund: Mother, I'm not a witch!

Queen: Oh, Edmund, you always were a bit of a fibber.

Edmund: Mother, I beg of you: use whatever power you have to help me.

Queen: I haven't had any power for years, you know.

Edmund: But Father's sick! You must do something, otherwise...

Queen: Otherwise what?

Edmund: Well, otherwise, I'll be burnt!

Queen: Ah, yes, this would be a pity.

Edmund: Well, thanks.

Queen: I'll see if I can sort out something. (leaves)

Percy: My Lord, I had an idea how to get out of this.

Edmund: Yes?

Percy: Send for all the greatest lawyers in the land, and they could save you!

Edmund: Brilliant! Contact them at once.

Percy: I've already done it, My Lord! (holds up some pages of paper)

Edmund: Oh, Percy, thank you! Are those the letters?

Percy: (a bit reluctant) Er, yes...

Edmund: Read them.

Percy: (more reluctant) Very well. Erm, this is from Robert Wyatt in Somerset:
       (reads) "What you ask is against reason and God. I spit on you and your
       master, and look forward to passing water over both your graves at a
       later date."

Edmund: Yes... (looks at another one, held by Baldrick) What does that one say?

Baldrick: It's from John Watts.

Edmund: Oh, `Stinker' Watts!

Baldrick: (reads; although Percy puts forward a hand as though he'd rather
          it wasn't read) "Dear Percy: I remember being at school with Prince
          Edmund and yourself, and so was very interested by your letter.

Edmund: Yes?

Baldrick: "May you both die horribly. Yours, John Watts."

Edmund: Oh no, I'm doomed!

Baldrick: Wait a moment, My Lord! I have a cunning plan that cannot fail!

Edmund: Oh! What is it?

Baldrick: Well--

        (The guards, Soft and Anon, come into the foreground)

Soft: My wife was wondering whether you'd like to come round for dinner

Anon: No, thanks.

Soft: Why not?

Anon: Well, the food tastes like manure, and, frankly, I find you both very

Soft: Oh, fair enough. How about *next* Thursday, then?

Anon: Er, yeah, that's lovely, yeah. About half eight?

Soft: Yeah, (?), be there.

        (Baldrick has finished telling his plan)

Edmund: Brilliant! (laughs, shakes Baldrick's hand) Well done, Baldrick!
        Very cunning! You may capture the eagle, but you cannot clip its

        (The guards chat some more)

Soft: By the way, how's that eagle of yours?

Anon: Oh, fine, fine. Mind you, I had a bit of trouble to start with, but, now
      I've clipped its wings, no problem!

Soft: Glad to hear it.

        (As the guards separate again, Edmund goes to the bars.)

Edmund: Tomorrow, I shall not be so meek! (laughs in his silly evil way)

(at the trial again; everyone is booing and hissing and Edmund and company,
 but Edmund sneers back, Percy raspberries back, and Baldrick spits back)

Witchsmeller: (holding a page of paper) My Lord, unhappily, the horse, blessed
              Satin the Confessor, who was to have been our first witness

Harry: Yes?

Witchsmeller: ...cannot be with us.

Harry: Oh dear.

Witchsmeller: However, before he died--

Edmund: You bastard!

Witchsmeller: ...he did make this signed confession. I'll read it to you.
              "I, Black Satin, confess that my former master, Edmund, is the
              servant of Satan...

        (The crowd gasps)

Witchsmeller: "...and I spoke to him on the matter frequently...

        (The crowd `Ooh's)

Witchsmeller: "...over a gallon" -- a gallon! -- "...a gallon of stableboy's
              blood"! (he turns the paper to display that, below the letter,
              there is a horseshoe print and splattered blood on the page)

        (The crowd screams)

Witchsmeller: (??), My Lord, this turgid, horrid, nasty and most evil case
              draws to an end. I call my last witness!

        (The crowd cheers)

Edmund: Oh yes, and what is it: a cow? a talkative badger? an easily bribed

Witchsmeller: I call Jane Firkettle!

        (The crowd cheers as the old woman takes the stand)

Witchsmeller: Now, Mrs. Firkettle, can you see that man standing over there?

Firkettle: Which?

Witchsmeller: (as though she said `witch') That's him...

Firkettle: 'course I recognise him! (waves cutely at Edmund and kisses the air)

Edmund: She's seen me on a coin.

Witchsmeller: And have you or have you not committed sins of the flesh with

Firkettle: I have...

Edmund: You must be joking!

Firkettle: my deepest shame.

Edmund: And mine! I mean, look at her!

Witchsmeller: Can you describe these foul deeds?

Firkettle: After we had just kissed once, he transformed into a wild animal!

        (The crowd gasps)

Edmund: Or perhaps I do remember you...

Witchsmeller: Anything else?

Firkettle: Yes, My Lord. Three months later, I was great with child.

Edmund: Oh, for God's sake...

Witchsmeller: You bore him a son.

Firkettle: I did -- my little Johnny!

Witchsmeller: Can you see this son of Satan anywhere in this court?

        (The crowd looks about at each other -- one of them is a man bright
         red with a pointed black beard and horns; Witchsmeller holds a white
         poodle in Firkettle's line of sight.)

Firkettle: (points) Yes, that's him!

Witchsmeller: I give you John Grumbledook!!! (holds the poodle up high)

        (The crowd screams)

Lord 1: His hair gives him away!

Edmund: Oh, come on -- he doesn't look the slightest bit like me.

Witchsmeller: My Lord, we have three proofs of witchcraft: a cat that drinks
              blood, a horse that talks, and a man who propogates poodles!!!

        (The crowd murmurs excitedly as Witchsmeller falls to the floor in
         his passion.)

Witchsmeller: These men must burn! These men must burn!

        (Harry turns to the other members of the tribunal, nodding; the
         crowd, led by the Officer, chants "Burn!" Then Harry sees the
         Officer getting into the crowd's excitement and looks at him a
         bit sternly, and mouths something [I can't figure out what].)

Officer: Silence for the Prince of Wales.

Harry: (stands) The verdict of this court is that the accused are found guilty
       of witchcraft.

        (The crowd cheers)

Harry: The maximum penalty that the law allows is that you be burned
       to death.

        (The crowd cheers; Edmund and company are conspicuously not worried)

Harry: However, in view of your previous good background, I am disposed to
       be lenient.

        (The crowd boos)

Harry: Therefore, I sentence you to be burned alive.

        (The crowd cheers; Edmund is a bit surprised that that's lenient)

Harry: Do you have anything to say?

Percy: (cocky) Well, yes, actually, I'd quite like to say--

Edmund: Shut up, Percy!

Harry: And you, Grumbledook?

Edmund: Yes: NOW!

        (Edmund and company jump; the crowd is agape; Edmund and company
         land outside the throne room)

Edmund: Brilliant, Baldrick! How you managed that, I'll never know.

        (They're a bit disoriented as to where to go. Baldrick starts down
         the hall, but Percy points to the door across the anteroom)

Percy: Quick, here!

        (The run through the door, into the throne room -- but the camera
         view remains in the anteroom. The King is heard yelling and slashing
         with his sword. The guards appear in the anteroom just as Baldrick,
         Percy and Edmund rush out of the throne room. Behind them, King has
         his sword drawn.)

King: You Turkish pigs! (goes back inside)

Edmund: Percy...

Percy: Sorry.

(Outside the castle, the stake is being prepared. A sign reads: "Public
 execution / by Burning / Friday August 11 / Indoors If Wet")

(back in the gaol cell; Edmund and company are bald, each also wearing a ball-
 and-chain. Baldrick touches Edmund, with a plan; Edmund rushes to the bars to
 talk to the guards, who find what he says very boring, even laughable)

Edmund: Look, erm, you two, you wouldn't perhaps consider, for a pretty hefty
        reward, perhaps letting us--

Soft: ...escape...

Edmund: dressing up as washer women... \
Soft and Anon: ...washer women...            /

Edmund: ...and carrying us out in three large wicker laundry baskets? \
Soft and Anon: ...three large wicker laundry baskets...               /

Edmund: No, I suppose not. (goes back into the cell)

Soft: (to Anon) Here comes the wife.

        (The guards stand to attention. Anon opens the cell door for Edmund's
         wife -- Princess Leia, a child of about six years -- and his mother,
         the Queen.)

Leia: Hello, Edmund.

Edmund: Hello, dear...

Leia: (giggles) You look funny!

Edmund: Yes -- I've had all my hair cut off.

Leia: Oh yes, that's it.

Edmund: Look, there's no news of a reprieve, is there?

Leia: Oh, no -- everyone's really looking forward to it. Hello, boys.

Percy and Baldrick: Good morning, Your Majesty...

Leia: I have to go to my room, which isn't fair, but, in fact... (steps
      forward, leans closer to them)

Edmund, Percy and Baldrick: (excited) Yes?

Leia: I think I might even get a better view from the window!

Edmund: (disappointed, naturally) Oh, great...

Leia: Well, I think I better be going. (turns to leave, but Queen mouths to
      her, "Don't forget (something)," so she turns back) Oh yes -- your mummy
      asked me to give you this. (holds out a bag)

Edmund: (excited again, eagerly tries to take out what's inside) Oh great!
        What is it; a knife? a file? a small bucket of water?

Leia: No, silly! It's a dolly.

Edmund: (finally pulls it out of the bag; looks at it; is once more
        disappointed) So it is. Yes it is. Great, great. It's just what we

Leia: Goodbye, Edmund. (she and Queen begin to walk out)

Edmund: Goodbye, dear. (surprised that his mother isn't saying a last goodbye)

Queen: Yes? Oh -- bye bye, dear.

(later, outside; Witchsmeller is carrying the large cross, chanting "Burn the
 witch!" to excite the crowd as Edmund, Percy and Baldrick are carried in
 on wooden racks behind him; Witchsmeller stands by the waiting kindling,
 where Harry is standing, while the trio is put against the stake)

Harry: I suppose, really, this must be one of the most difficult parts of the
       job for you.

Witchsmeller: (disinterested) Yes.

Harry: And for the witch, as well.

Witchsmeller: Of course. (takes the torch out of the kindling)

        (The crowd cheers)

Baldrick: My Lord, I have a cunning plan.

Edmund: Oh, fuck off, Baldrick! I think I might be able to stall him.

Witchsmeller: Well, Grumbledook, your time has come. Do you wish to confess?

Edmund: No.

Witchsmeller: Very well. (bends down to start the fire)

Edmund: Er, no, sorry -- yes! Yes, I do, in fact!

Witchsmeller: CONFESSION!!

        (The crowd cheers)

Edmund: I should like to confess, in front of God and this -- rather small --
        crowd, that I have, occasionally, done things wrong.

Witchsmeller: Be more specific.

Edmund: Er, well, I have erred and strayed like a lost ox--

Witchsmeller: Sheep!

Edmund: er, sheep; I have (accoveted?) my father's adultery...

Witchsmeller: Get on with it!

Edmund: I have not honoured my neighbour's ass...

Witchsmeller: Oh, light the fires!!!

Edmund: I'm a witch! I'm a witch!

Percy: Me too! Me too!

        (The crowd cheers)

(Later, the fire is blazing; the crowd is chanting "Burn! Burn! Burn!")

Edmund: Oh, damn -- I'm not even comfortable. (he drops the doll into the
        fire; it is of a hooded figure with bright red eyes carrying a
        large cross)

Witchsmeller: (suddenly dropping the torch) Agh! How fast this heat travels!
              (shields himself from the fire with his cloak)

Harry: Yes, it is a touch warm, isn't it.

        (The doll is beginning to smoke, as is Witchsmeller)

Witchsmeller: I feel as if I am on fire!

Harry: I know -- I'm rather regretting my choice of undergarments, as well.

        (Witchsmeller's cross suddenly catches fire)

Witchsmeller: I'm burning! I'm burning! I'm burning!

        (The doll catches aflame, as does Witchsmeller)

Harry: Yes, but I expect you're jolly glad of that cloak in the winter.

        (Witchsmeller staggers around, on fire)

Harry: (finally noticing) Good lord!

        (Witchsmeller screams as he's burned to death. The flames around
         Edmund, Percy and Baldrick go in reverse, then their bonds break.)

Edmund: Well done, Baldrick!

Percy: Yes, that was a close shave. (he runs his hand across his shaven head)
       Thank you, Baldrick.

        (Baldrick shrugs, baffled)

(In the castle, the King enters the anteroom feeling fine. He stretches and
 rests his sword on his shoulder. Queen is doing some knitting; Leia watches
 what's going on outside)

King: 'morning, my love.

Queen: Ah, 'morning, dear.

King: (chuckles happily) 'morning, Princess.

Leia: Good morning.

King: What's going on out there?

Leia: Well, Uncle Harry was going to burn Edmund alive, when (???) came

Queen: Darling, shh shh shh. (to King) Nothing, my dear -- it's all sorted
       out now.

King: Oh, good, good...

        (Queen winks and twitches her nose. Sparkles fly out of her eyes.
         Leia looks on in surprise. The Black Adder logo comes from her
         mouth as the closing theme begins.)

Cast in Order of Witchiness

The Great Grumbledook . . . . . . Rowan Atkinson
The Witchsmeller Pursuivant . . . Frank Finlay
The Witch Queen . . . . . . . . . Elspet Gray
Percy, A Witch  . . . . . . . . . Tim McInnerny
Baldrick, A Witch . . . . . . . . Tony Robinson
Ross, A Lord  . . . . . . . . . . Richard Murdoch
Angus, A Lord . . . . . . . . . . Valentine Dyall
Fife, A Lord  . . . . . . . . . . Peter Schofield
Soft, A Guard . . . . . . . . . . Stephen Frost
Anon, A Guard . . . . . . . . . . Mark Arden
Daft Ned, A Peasant . . . . . . . Perry Benson
Dim Cain, A Peasant . . . . . . . Bert Parnaby
Dumb Abel, A Peasant  . . . . . . Roy Evans
Dopey Jack, A Peasant . . . . . . Forbes Collins
Officer, An Officer . . . . . . . Patrick Duncan
Jane Firkettle  . . . . . . . . . Barbara Miller
Princess Leia . . . . . . . . . . Natasha King
Piers, A Yeoman . . . . . . . . . Howard Lew Lewis
Mrs. Field, A Goodwife  . . . . . Sarah Thomas
Mrs. Tyler, A Goodwife  . . . . . Louise Gold
Richard IV, A King  . . . . . . . Brian Blessed
Stuntman  . . . . . . . . . . . . Gareth Milne

Written by Richard Curtis and Rowan Atkinson
With additional dialogue by William Shakespeare

A BBC TV Production in association with The Seven Network, Australia


(that night, Edmund, Percy and Baldrick walk through the castle gate, still

Percy: I said he shouldn't have burnt that cat!

        (Edmund thwaps him on the cheek)